PEPPER SPRAY
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing pepper spray.
If you decide to surprise your nephew’s kids by making an appearance as Santa Claus in the middle of the night, make sure you haven’t had so much eggnog that you can’t tell the difference between the right house and the wrong house. Otherwise there’s a good chance you’ll be attacked with pepper spray.
“Pepper spray” is a deceptive name. Although it is a spray, it tastes nothing like pepper. They should call it “pain spray” or maybe “regret mist.” I think either of these names would make it sound less appealing. When the guy holding it said, “Get the fuck outta here or I’ll hit you with my fucking pepper spray, you fucker,” I had a moment of thinking, “I like pepper, so maybe that won’t be as bad as his demeanor implies.” It was that moment of hesitation that allowed him to attack me.
I tried to explain who I was, but it was really hard to get the words out while rolling around on the floor, screaming and crying and wishing my nephew had been sterile. If I had been able to explain who I was, my attacker may not have started kicking me. The kicking hurt so much that it made me wish he was spraying me again.
The flaw in the pepper spray design is that it’s easy to drop if your focus is on kicking. I was able to grab it and spray him back, debilitating him long enough to get to my feet. When I turned to run out I saw three little kids staring at me. They looked like they were about to cry. I realized that pepper spray had ruined their Christmas. So had their dad and me, but mostly it was the pepper spray. And also I guess the eggnog.
Hoping to undo some of the damage, I yelled, “You’ve all been really great kids this year!” as I ran past them. I’m not sure if they believed I was Santa or not, because my beard had gotten stuck to their tree, and because Santa doesn’t go out the window when he can’t figure out how to unlock the door.
If you still feel the need to own pepper spray, just don’t keep it in the house around the holidays. It’s a good way to ruin everything.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a framed photo of my nephew.
