JOHNNY APPLESEED
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Johnny Appleseed.
Johnny Appleseed was a traveling farmer who littered apple seeds all over post-genocidal America. He went from state to state throwing seeds wherever he pleased, giving no concern to the indigenous plant life. How he was able to support himself is unclear, but some believe he may have earned his income as an assassin. It would make a lot of sense, given that he was a loner who could never settle in one place. Those people are usually murderers.
He was most likely leaving the trail in order to find his way back across the country, but when he turned around to go back, there was only a thick forest of apple trees blocking his path. That idiot.
And where did he get all those seeds, anyway? From apples, obviously, but if there weren’t any apple trees yet, where did the apples come from? My guess is magic. He was probably a warlock. Some people don’t believe in warlocks. My therapist, for instance. But no one has an explanation for all those seeds. Except me.
Sometimes I tire of suburban life and dream of traveling the world. I thought spreading seeds would be a good way to do it, but countries have a lot of rules about how many seeds one is allowed to import. Then I thought of a loophole: I make my own seeds. Thousands of them, and only the most daring customs official could find them. This plan has some details that need to be ironed out though.
All I know is, if it weren’t for Johnny Appleseed, we wouldn’t have apples. Then students would have to give their teachers pine cones or loaves of bread instead. And instead of apple pies we’d have to eat bread pies. So next time you’re doing anything involving apples, remember you have the black arts to thank.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Geordi La Forge.
