SHORTS
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing shorts.
Shorts is what pants are called when they are of a length intentionally short of the wearer’s ankles. Not to be mistaken with “highwaters” or “flood pants,” which are pants that the wearer wishes were full length, and tries desperately to pretend are, but never will be.
Some shorts are very short, and these are meant to draw attention to the buttocks and genital area. Women who wear such shorts can often appear slutty, while men who wear them appear creepy.
Other shorts are much longer, often worn by people who want the benefits of shorts without having to reveal too much of their body. I used to be one of these people.
My legs are pretty much a mess. Like Brian Dennehy’s, they are disproportionately skinny. My veins look like a tangle of red and blue snakes, all of which are dead. Sometimes it gets so hot out that I’m willing to subject witnesses the my awful appendages for slight relief. If I don’t, my legs will become incredibly sweaty, to the point that my pants get soaked. At my age people will misinterpret my wet pants as something other than sweaty legs.
With most of the lower half of my body not being the best visually speaking, I was at first uncomfortable wearing shorts, but soon I realized no one seemed to care. Or if they did care, they kept their mouths shut about it. Each season I would wear slightly shorter shorts, challenging myself to extend my comfort zone.
Now I’m one of the people who wears incredibly short shorts. At my age I don’t have a lot left that’s sexy about me, so I figure I’ll show off whatever I’ve got. And it feels great. I no longer have to stay inside during the summer. Shorts have freed me to become a brand new person. They’ve made me stronger and less afraid.
If you’re considering making the jump from regular pants to shorts, you should also consider the financial benefits. Less material means less cost. You could probably buy two pais of knee length shorts for the same cost as one pair of regular length pants. I haven’t done the math on this yet, but it seems like it would be the case.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing chili.
