THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Large Hadron Collider.
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a giant underground machine/laboratory that smashes black holes together. At least that’s my understanding of it, as an amateur scientist. It was when I began my interest in science last year that I learned of the LHC. I’d been studying a lot of things with my magnifying glass, including Science magazine, which is where I read of the LHC. I’m not sure what the point of this machine is, other than to mess with the universe.
Frankly, I think the universe needs more messing with. I’ve often wondered where the universe came from. A lot of people think God invented it, but I don’t buy that. Sometimes, I feel like nothing is even real. Not me or the universe. Other times I feel like everything is a little too real, like when that hobo stabbed me. That felt extremely real.
If the LHC can figure out what the universe is all about, and if it has to smash some black holes together to do it, I think it’s worth the risk. Some people worry that the LHC might accidentally turn our planet into a black hole. If it does, that would be neat, because I’ve always wondered what’s inside a black hole. The downside is that if Earth turned into a black hole, it would always be nighttime everywhere. That would make it hard for me to get around because I don’t like to be out after dark.
I mailed my resume to the LHC in the hopes of getting a job to start my new career as a scientist. I would have been open to working with black holes or even just being a janitor to get my foot in the door. Competition must be pretty stiff, so I taped an ant I dissected onto my cover letter to show them the kind of passion they can expect.
If anyone reading this has any contacts at the LHC, I would appreciate it if you could pass my info along. Thanks!
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing mustard.
6 responses
My uncle is the COO of the LHC. I will pass your name along.
Dear Spike,
Thank you so much, that would mean the world to me. I’m passionate and a quick learner, and don’t forget I have my own magnifying glass so they wouldn’t have to buy me one.
Your friend,
Ted
I am pretty sure that I reside IN a black hole so I will look around. We do not have ants.
You should have explained what “Hadron” means.
Dear AtTheRiv,
I’m pretty sure Hadron is the name of the man who built the collider. Or maybe he died when he was swallowed by a black hole and the collider is named after him. Professor Hadron I think. He also might have been a woman.
Your friend,
Ted
Bit late with this, but I just noticed that Hadron is awfully close to “hard-on”. Not sure what to do with this realization, but I imagine there is a good joke to be made using “Large Hard-on Collider”.
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