As American women, we are privileged to have every March dedicated to our accomplishments. For thirty-one incredible days, we can walk into any elementary school classroom and see our sisters’ faces decoupaged on pink poster board alongside bullet points of praise. Even the Library of Congress has a special web page for Women’s History Month . . . take that, anti-woman GOP!
Women’s History Month provides a great opportunity for us to trade in our achievements for fame. How can you best facilitate this exchange? Follow these tips and, in March 2042, a sixth grader will bully a nerdy peer into writing an essay about you.
Science is key. What do Marie Curie, Sally Ride, and Rachel Carson have in common? These ladies are all white and class-privileged love science. What better emphasizes that women’s brains, though smaller than men’s, are also good at doing stuff than by showcasing famous women scientists? Even that Depends-clad, Glenn-Close-in-Fatal–Attraction lady astronaut is a better example of women’s intellectual strength than a poet (except Emily Dickinson) or activist (except Susan B. Anthony).
Suffragettes are hot. Activists post-1920 are not. To become a slide on little Jenny Janson’s PowerPoint for Mr. Brown’s history class, please do not voice an opinion on contemporary women’s issues. You got the vote, now go discover an element or write Uncle Tom’s Cabin or whatever.
Try your hardest not to be queer. Unless you want your only fans to be Skyler and Moonbeam at Park Slope Montessori, try hiding your sexuality completely or appearing romantically involved with men. Note: If you are trying to promote your straightness, make sure you are not seen as sexually involved with men. Being a woman celebrated in Women’s History Month means being a role model for young girls; young girls should not have an interest in sex.
Are you Oprah? Are you Maya Angelou? Being either Oprah or Maya Angelou are both simple ways to solidify your position in the Women’s History Month canon. If you are a woman of color, being Oprah or Maya Angelou might be your best bets for being recognized (other options include Alice Walker, Rosa Park, Sojourner Truth, and Harriet Tubman).
Be a cartoon. I know—this tip sounds a little out there. But think about it: Little girls want nothing more than to be like their favorite cartoon heroines. Dora the Explorer, Pocahontas, that robot housekeeper on The Jetsons: All are bastions of female sassiness and strength.
Marry a prince! Marry a president! Destiny’s Child once sang, “All the women/ Independent/ Throw your hands up at me.” Their logic is sound, but one cannot overlook the respect one earns by marrying an important man. Eleanor Roosevelt is great, but would her opinion on the United Nations matter if she didn’t marry her distant cousin? Unlikely. For a more contemporary example, consider Carla Bruni. Although she’s been releasing music for a decade, only after Bruni became Bruni-Sarkozy was she asked to sing at Nelson Mandela’s birthday party.
Make sure to release at least two pictures of yourself: One in which you look severe; one in which you look at least semi-attractive. A real Women’s History Month star should always be picked as the woman to “marry” in a game of “Marry, Fuck, Kill.” Americans want to honor you as strong, proud, and chaste, but they also want to be able to look at you without questioning your femininity and feeling all gross.
Happy Women’s History Month, everybody!
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[Serious and not funny note from the Editor: If you haven’t already and if you’re tired of sitting, please Stand with Planned Parenthood, as it’s (and we’re) in trouble. Women’s History Month is an auspicious time to do something about our future.]***
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