Although it’s Spring 2011 and the snow in the Quadrangle is melting, why not treat your manly neck like it’s 1989? Life is just a collection of scarves, and scarves were meant to last.
The San Francisco Summer Scarf:
This cotton fringed number is best worn cocooning your unshaved, but still sparsely haired neck when you are so over Pink Floyd but think you are on to something with Acid Jazz. This scarf will keep you warm in the garret of your mind and also during Intro to German Literature. The best female accessory for this scarf is one with limited olfactory sense. Because your one culinary trick is garlic and you’ve decided daily showering is bourgee, you and your scarf will perfume the air like long-marinated tofu. As an extra bonus, this natty wrap is versatile enough to function as your pillow during the semester you take off for a hitchhiking pilgrimage to City Lights and Big Sur.
The DIY Scarf:
The scarf in question is a really just white string from any junk drawer in your now-disowned parent’s kitchen. Truly à la mode, a thrashed plastic baby doll is tied to one end, making the ensemble “pop.” On warmer days, you can slip the string from around your neck and use the scarf as a walking accessory with the baby doll dragging on the pavement behind you. During class, this scarf and its infant accoutrement can be tenderly stowed in a violin case you carry for this purpose (sold separately). When rude weirdos stare you can respond with a coy wave of the baby doll’s hand.
The Erotic Asphyxiation Scarf:
Taking the concept of string scarf one step further, we present the rope scarf. This scarf is worn only indoors and features a unique tie, creating a space for your neck to fit comfortably, yet securely, on those days when the whole casual sex aspect of college isn’t living up to your ideals and you need a little more “oomph” to get the pleasure you deserve. Knotted properly, this scarf will cut off just the right amount of oxygen. Early warning system for when your girlfriend/mother/RA arrives unexpectedly is under development.
The Greek/Roman Scarf:
If you want to shed the weight of the patriarchy, the mini-toga scarf is for you. While you are contemplating the rape of the Swan or the imprisonment of Persephone and winter chill is in the air, toss on this lovely scarfette. White and given to you by “the woman whom you are dating”—because using the possessive term ‘my girlfriend’ is linguistic hegemony—it hangs like a limp phallus. The toga scarf offsets your pasty complexion in a way Zeus would find alluring. This scarfette is kept mostly in the closet.
The Stupid Scarf:
Your mother might order this jaunty tartan to match the tweed coat you insist upon in your pre-college shopping spree. You, the intellectually aspiring male, will wear it while you consider pipe smoking and affect a slight British accent. This scarf will warm your thorax while you trudge across the quad of a college that was supposed to be a safety school, but ended up being your only admit. This scratchy, yet expensive looking item will provide good company in the library as you do research on how to swing a junior transfer to the Ivy League. The perfect female accessory for this scarf will be waiting back east. You can leave the old one behind.
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