MOUNT RUSHMORE
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Mount Rushmore.
I like mountains okay, but after a while they all start to look the same. Thankfully, we have Mount Rushmore, a mountain that has the faces of four different American presidents carved into the side of it. Those presidents include Abraham Lincoln (sans hat), Theodore Roosevelt (sans pince nez), Thomas Jefferson (sans interracial family), and a fourth guy I can’t identify. It’s easily the coolest mountain I’ve ever seen. Forget about a bunch of randomly placed trees and jagged rocks, this one has HUMAN FACES! It’s way better than that Old Man in the Mountain mountain in New Hampshire. That thing is a disgrace. Even more so since the face fell off of it.
People come from all over the world to stare at Mount Rushmore for a few minutes. You don’t see that happening to most other mountains. It would have been more impressive, however, if the person that invented Mt. Rushmore had made it so the mouths could move. That way there could be recordings of the presidents that played over speakers and made it look as though the mountain was speaking! On second thought, this would only cause trouble. Inevitably some people would start worshiping the talking mountain as a four-headed god, and then there would be a conflict with the mixing of church and state.
There are some other improvements that could really make this mountain step things up to the next level. Limbs, for instance. If the presidents also had limbs that would make their severed heads look less gruesome, which I think is probably why a lot of parents object to bringing their children to a mountain of severed heads. That’s why my mom refused to take me there. That, and because she said she didn’t trust Teddy Roosevelt, even if he was only in sculpture form. (I wish her dying wish hadn’t been that I never go to Mount Rushmore, because I sure would like to see it.)
Some of the native people are upset because we came and took their land and then carved a bunch of faces into it. So now they’re planning a retaliatory sculpture starring their own native hero. I understand why they’re upset, but I don’t see why we can’t all get along. If I owned Mount Rushmore I would invite them to carve their guy into it. Or maybe the presidents could be altered to be wearing native garb, to show that we’re all one, and hey, no hard feelings.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing last week’s New Yorker cover.
