NEWT GINGRICH
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Newt Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich is a former Speaker of the House and my strongest competition in the 2012 Presidential Election. Not only does he have white hair like me, but he has had a lot of wives. I only ever had one wife, God rest her soul, but just like Newt, I have a lot of love to give. His love is so boundless that he can’t contain it to one woman or even one woman at a time.
Like me, Newt is also a writer. Many people do not know Newt is a writer because his books always have a co-author and I feel that steals the spotlight from Newt. I would love to see a book that Newt writes all by himself.
Not only does he write books, he also writes reviews, just like me! He is one of Amazon’s top reviewers and likes to review spy novels. Obviously I offer a broader selection of reviews, but the similarities between us are frightening. My only hope is that votes intended for me are not accidentally cast in favor of Newt. If Newt wins and I come in a close second I will have to call for a recount. It could get ugly.
The only clear difference between me and Newt is that he’s much taller than me. Even if we were wearing the same suit and standing next to each other it would be easy to tell who was who because he must have several inches on me. This will help me distinguish myself when we debate, assuming the cameras get us in the same shot together. If not, I will have to introduce myself before each rebuttal with, “I am Ted Wilson, not Newt Gingrich.”
That will eat away at valuable speaking time, which is why I’ve started teaching myself speed-speaking. I bought an audio copy of The Diary of Anne Frank on vinyl and speak along to it at increasingly fast RPMs. Even when recounted in a high-pitched voice, Anne Frank’s story is incredibly powerful and moving.
Reviewing Newt is a double-edged sword. Too low a review implies I don’t think well of myself and too high a review may convince people Newt is a better choice to lead the country, but I owe it to the American people to be honest and not to manipulate them for my own political gain. My only hope is that somehow Newt will drop out before the election, but I can’t possibly see that happening.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing geometry teachers.
