THE HAMBURGLAR
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Hamburglar.
The Hamburglar is a character in the McDonald’s franchise who is zero parts hamburger and 100% burglar. In keeping with his name he steals only hamburgers. That’s probably why he’s never tried to steal Mayor McCheese’s head.
It is not clear what motivates the Hamburglar. It may be greed or hunger or simply the thrill of stealing. As someone who has shoplifted before (I stole some Necco Wafers® when I was five), I know it can be quite a thrilling experience, especially when a chase ensues. The thrill pretty much dies when your mother scolds you. I wonder if the Hamburglar has a mom. I doubt he has a father figure of any kind.
The Hamburglar does not have what I would describe as a keen criminal mind. His attire is a dead giveaway as to his profession and makes him very easy to spot. A better disguise would be to dress as Ronald McDonald. Not only would the make-up disguise his features but no one would ever expect Ronald to grab their hamburger and run away. Then again, maybe the Hamburglar wants to be caught. It may all be a cry for help.
Pathetically, the Hamburglar never succeeds in his crimes, yet he is often given a burger out of pity or compassion. I think it is this pity burger which keeps an otherwise inept criminal returning time and again. He knows he is incapable of success and he knows that doesn’t matter because he will still get a burger.
If any of the characters in McDonaldland want to teach the Hamburglar a lesson, they need to stop feeding him and show him that there are consequences to his actions. For instance, starvation. Although perhaps Ronald and Grimace and the Fry Guys have an insight I don’t. Depriving the Hamburglar of his prize may only drive him to more desperate acts. Would he kill for a hamburger? I get the sense he would. He tends to babble and mutter a lot, often saying “robble robble,” and perpetually wears an unnerving smile that indicates he is of limited mental capacity. That’s not someone I want to see backed into a corner.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a twig.
