PURPLE NURPLES
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing purple nurples.
A “purple nurple” is what it’s called when you grab a friend’s nipple and twist it and/or pull it. It’s usually a spontaneous act meant to be playful and friendly, but that person probably won’t want to remain a friend very long after you’ve done this. Purple nurples hurt. I would recommend saving the purple nurple until you want to end a friendship, especially if you want to end it quickly and without discussion. This method of ending a friendship works best for adults because children are in some ways much more forgiving.
When a man gives a purple nurple to a woman there is an unintentional sexual component to the act, just like when a male athlete spanks another man on his buttocks. So if you are male and wish to give a female a purple nurple, it is best to wear gloves as a means for creating appropriate boundaries. Although no one has yet to market gloves designed explicitly for purple nurpling, most any type of gloves will work.
For as much fun as they sounds, purple nurples aren’t much fun at all. Giving them tends to cause animosity and receiving them causes pain and resentment. I don’t even like the name. It’s very deceptive. It sounds cute and fun but it simply isn’t.
A good defense against the purple nurple is to wear pasties at all times. A better defense is to be more selective when choosing friends.
Please join me next week when I will be reviewing Alice Waters.
