SOCKS
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing socks.
Socks are what people wear on their feet to absorb sweat and protect from friction against the inside of the shoe. Socks come in a variety of colors and patterns but the most popular is white. White is a strange choice considering how dirty socks can get, but someone who was very qualified made that decision so I’m not going to question it.
I like to put things in my socks to keep them stretched out. Pre-stretched socks take less time to put on. My dad taught me this trick, and it works for most types of clothing. He used to keep the entirety of his shirts worn at all times by a single mannequin. This was an effective way to keep his shirts stretched out, plus as he peeled off a shirt it would reveal the next day’s surprise wardrobe. He was a pioneer in whatever you would call that.
I’m scared of mannequins, so the only clothing I stretch out is my socks. I usually place thematically similar items such as smaller socks or shoes inside of the socks. One time I used a chicken leg because I was saving it for later and didn’t want anyone else to eat it.
Admittedly, I am a sock elitist and only wear imported socks such as those from Indonesia. I know this is hurtful to American sockmakers, but it’s one of only two indulgences I allow myself. The other is a butler I hire for one day out of the year. His name is Jason and he will do literally anything for money.
Women often don’t wear socks, so that means that if you see a woman buying a package of tube socks at Sears, she probably isn’t single.
While socks are very functional, they can also do lots of other less foot-centric things. They make great puppets, short-notice mittens, or arm warmers if you cut the toes off. Tie several dozen socks together and you suddenly have a rope you didn’t have before. Some people like to stuff a sock in the mouth of a kidnap victim. I’ve never tried this because I don’t kidnap but it seems like it would work.
I’m sure there are even more exciting things socks can do. If you’ve experienced any of them, let me know.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing There Will Be Blood.
