KERMIT THE FROG
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Kermit the Frog.
Kermit the Frog is best known for his role as the frog puppet on Sesame Street. He used to be voiced by Jim Henson, but since Jim Henson passed away Kermit is now voiced by a Jim Henson impersonator. It’s disconcerting, kind of like when my Uncle Peter who had no teeth would wear his dentures. It was like looking at an Uncle Peter impostor. Something was a little off.
His voice may have changed but his personality hasn’t. He has a good heart but I’m not sure I have a lot of respect for him. For one thing, his best friend is the comedian Fozzie Bear. I don’t think Fozzie is funny at all and I find his humor sort of offensive. It makes me question Kermit’s character – if he thinks Fozzie is funny, what else might be wrong with him?
Probably Kermit’s biggest flaw is his relationship with Ms. Piggy. She is obnoxious and violent and sexually assaults Kermit on a regular basis, forcing kisses upon him. While Ms. Piggy is to blame, Kermit could definitely try standing up for himself. A healthy person would draw clear boundaries but Kermit keeps letting Ms. Piggy walk all over him. His self-esteem must be pretty poor. I suspect it’s the result of being raised in a swamp with so many brothers and sisters that his parents couldn’t give him enough attention. Or maybe it’s just that he hates himself for being green.
Whatever the cause, Kermit is a milquetoast, and that’s a big turn-off for me. It makes me uncomfortable to have to watch someone who’s so weak. It’s kind of gross to look at. But, for all his faults, he’s still a good person. Or frog, I guess.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a penny.
8 responses
and what about that little shit, elmo?
Dear Betsy,
I like Elmo quite a bit. I’m sorry that you dislike him so much. Do you know if he and Kermit have ever met?
Your Friend,
Ted
Ted,
Your weekly reviews are always fun to read! They are a welcome distraction from my workday. I have been enjoying your commentary for ages without commenting so one could say I’m an enjoyment thief!
Still, your assessment of Kermit’s character is spot-on, but, like you, I find it hard to dislike him. His eyes are so expressive that I feel sorry for him whenever Ms. Piggy sexually assaults him or Fozzie offends him with a terrible joke. His inability to stand up for himself only makes me want to stand up for him.
I hope you really will review a penny next week…
Anika
P.S. Rowlf is the best Muppet!
I hope there aren’t any Kermit apologists over at the Huff Post who catch wind of this assessment.
I always prefered Oscar amongst all of the Muppets, I guess I’m sort of a malcontent just like him.
Dear Anika,
I would never call you a thief. You owe me nothing for the enjoyment of my column but it puts a smile on my face to hear that you do. Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you learn a lot about the world by reading my reviews.
Your Friend,
Ted
Ted,
I have learned many things from your reviews. Important things I’ve taken away from your writings:
1) Brown sugar is the best of all sugars (but does not make for a good escort).
2) There is a subtle beauty to Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting For You.”
3) That, in addition to being good feet-warmers, socks also make for great chicken leg holders.
Cheers to you!
Anika
Ted,
I’ve been on holidays and have just returned to work and couldn’t wait to catch up on your reviews. This one on Kermit is spot on. Especially the part about his relationship with Miss Piggy, it’s perhaps a strong case study for the enlightening read “Why Men Love B!tches”…google it, you won’t be sorry.
Um, I think you are all missing a huge point. Snuffleupagus. Everybody knows that.
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