Ted Wilson Reviews the World #120

TERMITES
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing termites.

Termites are the cartoon bug that eats through wood and makes buildings and chairs hilariously fall apart in only seconds. They make a big noise like a chainsaw even though the termites are very tiny. Almost too tiny to see!

Recently, I learned that termites exist outside of the cartoon world, and this made me wonder what other things from cartoons have made it into real life. I couldn’t think of one and that made me like termites even better because it just goes to show how amazing nature can be.

My view of termites changed drastically when several of them decided to destroy part of my house without any regard for the financial impact doing so would have on me. Because of them, there are now only three walls in my bedroom where there used to be four. Now instead of a fourth wall I have a plastic tarp. The tarp doesn’t offer nearly the same level or privacy or warmth that a typical wall does, and hanging pictures on it is extremely tricky.

It was difficult to sleep knowing there were termites in my house. I was worried they would bite me. I mean, if they can eat through wood, what’s to stop them from eating through flesh? I would definitely eat a person before I’d eat a wall. Unless that person was a loved one and the wall was imprisoning me.

I thought it would be ironic and spiteful if I could catch and kill enough termites to build a wall out of them. After a couple of jars worth though, it started to get kind of gross, so I decided to let the construction workers do their job.

So it looks like termites are pretty horrible. I don’t like them nearly as much as I thought I would.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Guam.