Ted Wilson Reviews the World #125

MY MAGNIFYING GLASS
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my magnifying glass.

Like any properly-made magnifying glass, mine makes things appear bigger when held at an appropriate distance between one’s eye and an object. It’s a pretty amazing and surreal experience. I’m not sure of the science behind it.

I tried holding up several magnifying glasses at once – one in front of the next – to see if I could make out the molecules of my finger. I thought I could see a couple but they turned out to be ants. I should have licked that frosting off my hands sooner.

Speaking of ants, it’s really easy – almost too easy – to burn them by focusing the power of the sun onto a single spot. I would never do this intentionally because I love nature, but my magnifying glass acts like it wants to burn things. I’ve accidentally burned so many things around my house when all I wanted to know was more about them.

While my magnifying glass does allow me to see some things that I couldn’t otherwise see (like crumbs or the fine print on my medication), it doesn’t work for things such as God or ladies underwear.

Its also fairly easy to convince people I’m a detective. Most people these days don’t carry a magnifying glass around with them, so someone who does will likely be regarded as a specialist of some sort.

Children are more likely to fall for this than police officers, so when a cop catches you behind 7-11 accidentally setting things on fire, the line, “I’m a detective looking for clues” will probably not work very well. And be warned – even though it’s fairly easy to harness the power of the sun, it’s not easy to burn your way out of this situation.

Maybe I just need a more official looking magnifying glass. Something with the Magnum P.I. logo on it.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Slurpees.