Ted Wilson for President. Tomorrow.


Our own Ted Wilson is running for President. Have you considered voting for him tomorrow?


1. Instead of using drones to accidentally murder innocent people, Ted will use them to catch errant balloons that have escaped from children.

2. Ted will be the first president in history to figure out how the economy works and he’s really hoping poor people are not an integral part of it.

3. Ted Wilson will actually close Guantanamo and send all the prisoners back to their homes with a gift basket. Then turn Guantanamo into a tourist destination and use the proceeds to fund an apology statue.

4. He wants to become President so he can show the world that anyone can be President regardless of their qualifications. And because he wants to save America.

5. His ultimate goal is to make every citizen, regardless of political belief, completely happy with every law that’s passed. How he will do this will be outlined after he is elected.

If these facts didn’t change your mind, maybe this song will.