What is Pinterest?
Pinterest is a million-page woman’s magazine written by everyone you’ve ever met and edited by no one. Want inspiration for an upcoming party? Want ideas for what to make for dinner tonight? Want to take on dozens of nifty projects that you have neither the resources nor the time or talent to accomplish? Want to worry that you don’t throw or attend enough parties? Want to feel that everything you’ve ever made for dinner was bullshit? Want to cultivate the creeping suspicion that everyone else has a beautiful, clean home full of repurposed mason jars and yours is the only home where all surfaces are covered in cat hair? Pinterest is the place.
What is a pin?
A pin is a picture taken out of context with a short description that belittles your life choices. For example: a picture of an eight-layer cake with the description, “I got rid of my TV and now look what I do!”
What is a board?
A board is an assortment of images that collude to make you feel that yes, yes, YES, YOU ARE NOT YET ENGAGED BUT “RUSTIC COUNTRY” IS YOUR WEDDING THEME.
What is following?
Following is like spying, only instead of spying on a person you’re spying on ideas for a mustache-themed infant’s birthday party. It’s akin to stalking, only legal and more shameful.
What if I don’t want images from my site to be pinned?
You can prevent your images from being pinned by adding the following HTML code to your site: <meta name=”pinterest” content=”joyless harpy who hates joy”/>.
But, honestly, it’s too late for that. If you have any kind of a web presence, then odds are quite good that a picture of your child attempting a headstand has already been Pinned with the description, “12 yoga poses guaranteed to give your toddler great poops!”
Who can see my secret boards?
Ghosts.
Why am I blocked from commenting or performing other actions on Pinterest?
Because you are in no way adding to the discourse of Pinterest. The comment “Wut!? Best nail art ever! OMG SPARKLES LOL!” does not add to the existing discussion of innovative at-home manicures. We only allow cogent cultural critique on Pinterest.
Kidding! You’re blocked because you’re commenting on every single “Cats + Yarn!” pin your co-worker posts and it’s weirding her out. Only comment on every third pin from now on, and you should be fine.
Help! I can’t log in to my Pinterest account!
Oh no! You won’t be able to waste half of your work day looking at contextless images! We suggest 1) taking a walk; 2) calling an old friend; and if that doesn’t work; 3) finding something interesting to do with a mason jar on your own. Like, turn it upside down and spray-paint it brown. Now it’s a tiny table. You’re welcome.
How does Pinterest make money?
There’s a secret black market that trades in unachieved goals.
Join Pinterest and make other people jealous of your carefully curated lie of a life today!
***
Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: our Funny Women Submission Guidelines.
To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.
