FUNNY WOMEN #103: Gertrude Stein Reviews Beer


Left-Hand Black Jack Porter (6.80% ABV): Spiritous in spirit, tea like in tea. All this and not extraordinary in heft, hefted. A little sweetness is so ordinary. Very likely there is no cream that is present, yet inside the milk is a shade. Life and limb for an age aged for darkness. Herbaceous yet what is an herb to the hereby untenable mouth.

Russian River Temptation (7.50% ABV): A little sip please. Cane again to the presupposed and ready vine, count out the luminous apricot and ripe plants and little corners of a kind of French-ness, a kind of attitude, the west bank of the tongue. This is use. A barrel and matches and a tonic and grapes and one year. Spices are grain, opening, an opening. Loudness from the bases, the echo is. Pucker. Lips and lips and lips, against glass or Stein.

Deschutes Red Chair NWPA (6.20% ABV): THE BARLEY MUST BE REPLACED BY THE BEER ITSELF. A kindred in glass and in cousin, a spectacle to taste and nothing strange, a single strand of haze, hazing. Floral is a floral is a floral is a floral, unless it is a citrus, a musing. A harmony that is calamity is nothing on the Tongue. Long. Bitter. End.

Holsten Diat Pils (4.90% ABV): Sulfate, mineral, plaster, drywall. It is not so rudimentary to be analyzed, to be fruitful upon completion of the swallow. Aftertaste comes after tasting, a moment. Zest of orange, Zest of lavender, Zest of what comes with no special protection. If the lemon in a lager were a lemon in a tree, all the stouter symmetry. But not astute. Modified, codified, enhanced greatly by a generous head.

Bud Light Lime (4.20% ABV): There is no use no use at all in smell, in flavor, in taste, in anything, there is no use at all and the lack of respect is mutual. More, that is more, yes. But what I want is less.

Pensacola Brewery L’il Napoleon IPA (6.70% ABV): If I told him would he like it. Would he like it if I told him. Would he like it would Napoleon would Napoleon would would he like it. Would the caramel, would the top notes, would they like it, would Napoleon. Would the hoppy caramel top notes smooth Napoleon, would they finish. If I drank it, would Napoleon, would he drink it if I liked him. Would Napoleon, would the top notes, would the caramel if I told him.

Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier (5.40% ABV): YEAST.

Flying Fish Big Fish Barleywine (10.00% ABV): Potent is as potent does as simple but yet nothing simple can be. Drinkers, there is no position for us to assume. Let me recite what alcohol warms, alcohol warms. The difference is spreading. A flavor, a single flavor is doubtful. A CARAFE, THAT IS A BLIND GLASS. Out of doubt comes flavor, comes redness, comes color, comes a question of the lingering finish. High alpha oil hoops, hoops oil alpha high. Quaffable indeed.

Rogue Shakespeare Oatmeal Stout (6.10% ABV): Think of the Bible think of Homer think of Shakespeare and think of viscosity. Rare is the rarity that isn’t a malt, malted to the floor and the floor, the floor, the roof of a mouth is the end. Drying drying drying drying, drying is a burnt toasted succession in surrounding, letting it in. Elbow elect, sour stout pour, poor caesar, pore stated. Pour into a tulip glass and then lift it.

Samuel Adams Double Bock (9.5% ABV): Sugar is not a vegetable. Glucose in not a sugar unless it is. And it is, and it isn’t and we aren’t but aren’t we. Alas in doubt of more, say what is, and what is is a sinking chocolate flavor. Heavy. Stoned but not the skip of the stone, the sink.

Miller High Life (0.60% ABV): The champagne of beers.


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Jessi Probus is a southerner living in Brooklyn. You can find more of her work in McSweneeney's Internet Tendency, Word Riot, NANO Fiction, various women's bathroom stalls, and on twitter @JessiProbus. More from this author →