Reason 1. The other day, I waved hello to two coworkers when I saw them together outside of the office. They didn’t wave back. At first I thought they must hate me. I turned the wave gesture into a fake one-armed stretch gesture to save face. It worked. But then I thought, wait, who could hate me? Maybe they just didn’t see me! Maybe no one sees me! Maybe I’ve been dead for 30 years.
Reason 2. I texted my boyfriend a hilarious photo: I photoshopped the two of us together under an altar. He hasn’t texted back yet. At first I was nervous that I freaked him out by very subtly reminding him of marriage and how I want to get married now and how I really don’t want to wait that long and everyone I know is engaged. Then I realized he didn’t respond because he didn’t get it! Because I never sent it! Because my ghost fingers can’t even touch an iPhone keypad.
Reason 3. The waiter just asked my friend what kind of toast she wanted with her eggs. Then the waiter took my egg order and walked away, not asking about what kind of toast I wanted. “Sourdough?” I called after him, wistfully. He barely turned around. I always immediately jump to rage and frustration, but I’m trying to learn to accept that only a few select “chosen ones” can see me. I guess I’m not really at this restaurant at all. I’m trying to remember–did I pull out my own chair?
Reason 4. I totally randomly met this talent agent at a doctor’s office, because I followed him there. When I approached him to talk about my spec script, he said, “Email me,” and walked into his appointment. What an opportunity! Later that minute, I emailed him from the waiting room: “The script you requested.” It’s been ten years since that happened. Last night, when I was angrily thinking, “If he waits any longer, then my Friends spec will be moot!” I realized how silly I was being. You can’t get an email from a ghost! Sorry, guy; this one’s on me.
Reason 5. This morning at Starbucks I ordered a grande caramel mochachino with whip, no foam. “Name for the cup?” the barista asked. “Emma,” I said. Finally, after like two minutes of waiting, someone shouted, “Anna!” Being the only one waiting for a drink, I went over to check. Yup, it was my grande caramel mochachino with whip, no foam. But ANNA? I may as well be invisible. Oh, wait.
Reason 6. A few days ago I was in the bathroom at the airport. I wasn’t even flying anywhere, but airport bathrooms always have the best amenities–call me crazy. It was just me and one other lady in there, and I had already peed when I realized my stall didn’t have any toilet paper. “Hey, could someone hand me some toilet paper or what?” I called. Then I just heard some shuffling and a door close. She just left! It was really messed up of her. Or was it?
Reason 7. Yesterday, I went hiking with some friends. It was a pretty steep hike, and I started to lag behind. “Hey, guys?” I called. I could hear their muffled voices up ahead, but no one was responding to me. After a little while, they disappeared from view. I was going slower and slower and calling after them louder and louder. Then I remembered that age-old question: if a girl yells at her friends in a forest but they don’t hear her, is said girl a ghost? Answer: Yes. I guess my leg muscles are also small weak ghost ones. This ghost life is hard.
Reason 8. What does a girl have to do to get a hot guy’s attention when he’s with another girl shopping for linens at Bed Bath & Beyond around here? Not be dead for 30 years?
Reason 9. I was driving and cut someone off. I figured ghosts can do whatever. The guy in the other car gave me the finger and said, “Learn how to drive, ___hole!” He obviously saw me. That man has “the gift.”
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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly.
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