From 2002 to 2008, I worked as a professional dominatrix at three commercial dungeons in New York City. I was still a teenager when I started. A few of the things I learned—and also a few of the things I had to un-learn—as a dominatrix, have proved valuable in other jobs, and in other parts of my life. They say you can take the girl out of the dungeon, but you can’t take the dungeon out of the girl. The following are some lessons I’m glad I took with me.
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There’s no such thing as:
1. Intimacy without vulnerability
Every once in a while, a client would come for a first session with his heart set on having the amazing kinky experience he’d always dreamed of, but would end up disappointed because of something I had no control over: the walls wouldn’t budge. He had a very specific fantasy, but he wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what it was. He couldn’t let go of the initial discomfort and let the scene happen, let alone allow me a good enough glimpse of his inner world to take control of it for an hour. Verbalizing his truth—how he really felt, what he really wanted—put him at risk of rejection, or perhaps worse, being laughed at. For some people, that risk is too frightening.
This kind of interaction happens all the time, in any relationship. I’m occasionally guilty of expecting people in my life to be able to read my mind. If they could just do that, I’d have the ultimate fix: the intimacy I crave without risk of being misunderstood or rejected. Unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone who can do that. To let people in, I have to let down my guard. Otherwise I’m still alone.
2. An accurate definition of sex
Presumably, this is why commercial dungeons can operate legally in New York City—it’s also why they routinely get raided and shut down by law enforcement. It’s a never-ending effort on both sides to figure out if what pro doms are providing can be defined as prostitution.
To get a good laugh, all you need to do is ask a New York lawyer what legally constitutes sexual conduct. NYC criminal defense attorneys Crotty Saland PC say, “As applied to offenses relating to Prostitution, courts seem to agree that ‘oral sexual conduct,’ ‘anal sexual conduct,’ ‘masturbation’ and ‘sexual intercourse’ fall within this definition… While the analysis of these scenarios is fact specific, each case is different and requires the analysis of a skilled criminal defense attorney.”
The lines one can draw around sex are only valid for the individual drawing them, and may change as that individual’s sexuality develops and evolves. This point is especially apparent when it comes to unusual fetishes. I had clients who were completely sexually satisfied by things most people wouldn’t regard as sexual at all. For some, having a tooth pulled, mopping the floor, or watching a girl wiggle her toes while she’s wearing jeans over tights are highly erotic activities.
Sex lies in the eyes (or mouth, or feet, or what have you) of the beholder.
3. A typical submissive man
I’m often nudged to confirm the stereotype of the dungeon client as a high-powered executive, a controlling breadwinner who comes to a dominatrix because it is his only release from the stress of his daily alpha role. I’m sure that does exist. Successful businessmen do make up a good portion of dungeon clientele, but that’s probably a result of the price of entry. However, I never had a typical client demographic that otherwise differed much from that of the greater New York City male population (I rarely had female clients, which is another can of worms).
I saw guys from a huge variety of economic backgrounds, nationalities, and ethnicities, with all sorts of career paths, social group affiliations, political leanings, and religions. I had older (okay, mostly older—and some way older) clients, and clients who looked like they’d saved up their allowances to see me (we did card those). Some were douchebags; some were sweethearts. Some were shy—and others chatted up every person they encountered on the way in, talked through the entire session to me as well as on their phones, and asked to be paraded down the streets of Manhattan in pink tutus. Some were virgins; some were married with children. Some were out, and some were paranoid about being identified to the point of wearing sunglasses through their sessions—well, one guy did that.
The men I saw walk through the dungeon doors represented all walks of life. Their only common denominator was the dungeon, of all things.
4. A woman who isn’t someone’s wildest fantasy
I had the odd pleasure of taking phone calls at all three of the houses I worked for, making appointments for the doms. Usually, if we had a caller who wasn’t sure about who he wanted to see, I’d ask if he had a preference for a certain type of woman.
“Physically?”
“Physically, or otherwise—a certain look, demeanor, or style, perhaps?”
There were guys who wanted Amazon women. Petite women. Blondes, amputees, voluptuous, curvy girls… The list of requests was endless. Lots of tattoos, no tattoos, slutty-looking, elegant, tomboyish, smelly, slender feet, long hair, long nails, shaved head, gothic-looking, black, white, Brazilian, mature, “with an 80’s side ponytail” (for real), classic feminine beauty, muscular, busty, flat-chested, strict, bratty, girl-next-door. There was a niche for any woman, truly. Part of my job as a manager at Rapture was to guide new doms in finding and developing their own sex appeal.
Most women think they have to mold themselves into a very limited idea of what they think men want. What I had to remind them consistently was that sex appeal doesn’t come from a cookie cutter. It has to start with something unique, something that they already possessed. Once they embraced what was remarkable about themselves, it was never a far reach to a really hot fantasy.
5. A neat cause-and-effect explanation for the nuances of human psychology
People like to come up with theories to match their experiences, even if doing so means ignoring big chunks of information. As Dan Savage once described on his podcast, about half of people who are into spanking will say, “I was spanked as a child, so that’s why it turns me on to be spanked.” The other half say, “I was never spanked when I was a child, so subconsciously I always craved that kind of attention and now I’m aroused by spanking.” Sexuality is manifested in so many ways, probably as many as there are different personalities. My theory is that for some people, specific moments trigger specific kinks. For most of us, though, it’s more complicated than that.
6. “Normal”
Being a pro dom is part theater, part service, part therapy. Along with kinks they’d never disclosed to their closest friends or wives, clients often shared other secrets with me. Their sexualities were not the only aspects of themselves they couldn’t quite reconcile with the rest of their lives. Through working with these people, seeing their complexities, accepting them as they were—often as no one else ever even had the privilege of witnessing them— and hearing their confessions of being different in one way or another, I came to see the world differently.
I think this had something to do with the fact that generally, before they stripped down, my clients looked average. They rarely had any of the “identifying markers” people wore in my own little social enclave, like neon hair and facial piercings. I started seeing people outside the dungeon who looked just like my clients did, and realized they each had their own stories. I began to imagine that everyone struggles to fit into the various roles we either take on ourselves, or which are imposed upon us. I feel lucky to live mostly according to my own expectations now, inside and outside of my enclaves, but it hasn’t always been easy. It’s been a process for me to shake off the desire to fit in or measure up to someone else’s standards. My clients taught me a lot about the misery that can bring, and about the freedom of sharing something they thought was strange or unacceptable. As a friend of mine who is fond of cheesy sayings tells me, “Normal is just a setting on your dryer.”
7. A replacement for hard work
As a director at Rapture, I participated in the recruiting and hiring process for new dominatrixes. Dungeons have a very high turnover rate due to several factors. One of these is that people often underestimate the amount of work it takes to be successful in any part of the adult industry. They also misjudge what makes a successful dominatrix. The reality is that no matter how good-looking, or how naturally dominant, or how experienced in the BDSM “lifestyle,” you are, work takes work. I’ve met scores of gorgeous, talented, sexy young women who came to New York to make easy money. It doesn’t exist. The ones who ultimately made money, and made it look easy, were the ones with street smarts who busted their asses to get into their own rhythm of marketing and sessioning and gaining a following of devoted regulars. Successful women don’t take anything for granted.
8. A one-sided relationship
This is a tough one for me to delve into. As a pro dom, I got countless offers from men wanting to be my slave. So many of them would proclaim their devotion and declare that under my ownership, they would expect nothing in return for their services—as houseboys, as human furniture, as ashtrays, as toilets, as skilled workers, as personal assistants, as sex toys, as punching bags, as pets, etc. etc. I have taken on one slave in my life, who wore my collar for several years.
I believe the main reason our arrangement ultimately failed was that he refused to acknowledge his own needs. He held stubbornly to his fantasy of “true” ownership and slavery, to the point that his desires ended up coming up sideways. This was a huge obstacle to communication between us, and no amount of negotiation or contracts or arguing could resolve it. I prefer not to go into details of the ensuing ugliness, but only to say that a slave’s or submissive’s wants and needs must be brought to light for a relationship to work in the real world, just as all parties must contribute work and gain reward, in their own way, in any relationship.
9. Universal taboos
Just like normalcy, what’s abnormal is a cultural construct. Working in a professional dungeon atmosphere makes this obvious, when certain things are customary that wouldn’t be in other jobs (nudity in the office, for one, or having time taken up at staff meetings to discuss protocol for cleaning lube off the furniture). One of the things I’m most grateful for to the BDSM communities I’ve been part of over the years is showing me something of the active creation of culture in opposition to religious or political values that don’t work for us. At its best, dungeon culture prioritizes acceptance of all people, feminine power, technical skill, beauty, and pleasure. These are values we choose to assert. It is possible to create a new culture around chosen values. It takes a community with a vision and the willingness to step outside of the restrictions of the dominant society.
10. A good age to stop playing
Play is how we learn. One of the many job perks of a dominatrix is the opportunity to embody different archetypes, to be spontaneous, to react to and lead another mind and body in a new direction. A good session is a gorgeous dance, and a good dominatrix can lead with a spirit of fluidity. I hope I never stop playing for its own sake. Life would be mind-numbing if I didn’t get out of my head sometimes, to explore it with a fresh perspective, and to enjoy my partner in the moment.
A lot of the stuff I learned as a dominatrix isn’t generalizable outside of the dungeon—like how to make shoes smell more like feet, or what kind of champagne makes the best enema. But so much of it is generalizable. Working in dungeons allowed me to really get hands-on with people, to explore how to relate with them in all kinds of ways, and to play in the world at its edge.
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Featured photo by Bob Coulter
29 responses
I wonder if birth order plays a role in a man becoming a submissive in search of a dom. If a man was the youngest, with two older sisters who bullied/controlled him, he might have a different outlook than a man who had two baby sisters he bullied/controlled. Any thoughts?
So, what kind of champagne does make the best enema. That’s the kind of knowledge that I like to have on hand for lulls in dinner conversation.
Great insights, buy the way.
Thanks
Mitsu was a wonderful domme and was, and still is, sexy as hell. Her move west was a big loss to NYC. And I thought Rapture was an amazing collection of amazing women. I found this article to be spot on and relevant. I hope it gets widely read. Thanks for posting it.
I’m a Domme in Sydney, Australia and I found this to be a very accurate assessment of the things we learn in this industry. But as I have perfect, not smelly feet, I’d love to know how I make shoes smell more like feet. Also, letting me know the best champagne for enemas will save me months and dollars in research, so I’d love to know that too!
Mistress Blake— “champagne” for the enemas you’re referring to is urine. It’s a code word for urine. LOL.
I literally laughed out loud when I read Kelline’s post. Nice one!
to get shoes to smell more like feet. wear them without socks, the worst smelling shoes personally i think are ballet slippers. the sort you just slide on your foot, not an actual ballet slipper although i would be curious how rank those could get.
Pavoldi, I don’t necessarily think so. As as Mitsu mentioned in the article, half of people who enjoy being spanked will say it is because there were spanked and the other half will say it is because they were never spanked. It is my opinion that the reason someone is submissive can be traced back to it’s root (growing up in a home with only women or order of birth) in much the same way.
Some will find a reason or cause, some will not. But bottom line is, it is all speculation. There is no hard, fast rule for who grows and evolves to like what. Dominant, submissive, fetishist, vanilla, monogamy, polyamory. The list can go on and on and on and….
This is one of the most insightful pieces I’ve come across, bully for you.
Really identify with #8!Going on the 5th year of being permanently/forever collared & finally [maybe because of the beauty age]haha, improving a little more everyday on my communication with my owner.For sure my fault.But learning to surrender & trust Her deeper then the day before.
What a well-written, insightful and informative piece that really delves into the heart of Pro-Domme realities. Thank you for sharing this with the world. I hope it allows for greater understanding of our world.
I don’t have stinky feet most of the time, but I find that your shoes and feet get wet without socks, and you stay in your shoes for a time, that will indeed make them rank in the most offensive way possible quite quickly. I can’t wear heels, so I don’t know about those, but a previous poster mentioned ballet flats – I practically live in them and they never stink unless they get wet on my feet.
Excellent article. I have often said that vanilla people could learn a lot about communication and acceptance from the BDSM community.
The best explanation I have found for why people have the sexual fantasies they do is in the book “Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies” by Dr. Michael Bader. He rejects the theory that sexual fantasies are based on recreating traumatic incidents, in favor of a theory that fantasies are based on creating emotional safety based on a narrative created in childhood. The same conditions can produce different fantasies because different children will use different narratives to explain what happened. For instance a child might develop a submissive fantasy if they believe that they are responsible for their parent’s unhappiness. But the exact nature of that fantasy depends on the child. One child might want to be restrained to protect themselves from being responsible for any action. While another child might develop a fantasy of being punished for wanting to have their needs met. But the underlying narrative and the cause of it are usually unconscious.
And then there is the issue of physical stimulation. Some people are aroused by pain because of the adrenaline and endorphins, with no narrative about submission or restraint. There are many ways in which BDSM is sex as an extreme sport, like many other extreme sports. Some people just enjoy pushing their physical and emotional boundaries.
What a great and interesting article! I worked in NYC 1999 – 2001 as a dominant and submissive (switch), I now have my own dungeon in Sydney Australia and have been Mistressing longer than I have not. I would not give a champagne enema unless it was greatly watered down and I don’t think she was referring to urine when she mentioned it. I have a number of collared house boys (all hard work if you ask me!) and a deluge of ladies wanting to do Apprenticeships. Houses like the ones youve mentioned play a vital role in ensuring the next generation of Dominatrixes are well trained and not just thrown into the deep end with no experience. My greatest disappointment in current day is the end of corporal punishment in schools. My favourite Domme clients are Englishmen who were caned in school wanting to relive their experience in a sexualised way. They are getting older and older with no one to replace them, evidence that this particular fantasy is learned not created.
A really wonderful, depthful piece. As a sex worker myself, I have learned the same things in my time with clients… I think the BDSM world, some of these issues are magnified, but when it comes down to it, all people crave intimacy and connection, that’s what makes us human…how we seek that out…now that’s what makes us individuals.
Streetwise, fine info… for some. Maybe always it is good knowing something else, even if this is theoretically, at least for me. But from the non-sunny side of the street: No need to go to a dungeon, no need to pay. Any man can ask his girl friend, even his wife, if she would agree to wear black lingerie, high heels, heavy dark makeup etc., and act as if she were a dominatrix. Drink some cognac (I use to buy some cheap, like Gautier cognac), be submissive, etc. The Nubian Amazons in their 21st century version/mode, could come home.
This is a very well written and insightful piece.
Sex workers talk all the time about how ‘therapeutic’ there work is. I have no legitimate experience to judge that, but this writing certainly reflects the kind of insights professional therapists learn.
Having studied sex therapy for over thirty years, it is clear that we know a great deal about sex. What we don’t know is why people acquire their particular sex preferences. We don’t know why people like typical, conventional thngs, and we don’t know why they like unusual and kinky things. We are aware that there is much greater sexual variability than the general public accepts.
Thanks for the insightful piece.
This is excellent. I have some theories on why people get into BDSM (http://sexlovebdsm.blogspot.com/2014/03/aside-why-do-people-like-bdsm.html), but I couldn’t agree with you more on all of these points.
Adding to the conversation. I think that everyones experience as a dominatrix is different but there are definitely some similarities. In my research I recently came across an interview with Lydia on a podcast.
Here https://youtu.be/IgrzAb5zFsQ
I’ve been wanting to delve in this Dominatrix role. I was shy sexualy growing up and pretty vanilla. I find as I’m getting older my sexual appetite and curiosity are taking over. For things I thought were taboo I don’t find that to be the case anymore (in my eyes.) Plus, it doesn’t help being settled down at a very young age and not just sex but having sex goes stale. I’m looking for an outlet or a way to achieve my desires and curiosity but am getting nowhere or help from my partner. I’m starting to think I should be able to even though he’s not interested in it at all or sex anymore. So if anyone has any advice or a good place for me to start my endeavors that would be greatly appreciated. And yes I’ve tried communicating my wants and needs to my partner and get no response. Even trying to initiate sex with him doesn’t work. Please any ideas? Thanks
Lisa,
I have seen this time upon time again talking to women who are in relationships, this usually comes up discussing BDSM related subjects. If your other half be it boyfriend or husband is not willing to discuss, take into consideration or act upon your needs you’re with the wrong person.
I know this isn’t what you had in mind asking for ideas, but it’s in my opinion truth.
Your outlet would be to weigh your happiness/needs and relationship in the scale and see what weighs more and decide upon that.
Best of luck,
This is all lovely, but the person who misses corporal punishment in schools needs to check themselves. Promoting child abuse will attract a VERY ugly focus to your community.
Regarding the shoe/foot smell issue; it’s perfectly simple. Many men who enjoy dominatrix really crave the smell of a woman’s worn socks or particularly tights/pantyhose. If any of these are worn for several days in a flat shoe (especially pumps) the result is the perfect womanly foot odour and an extremely excited client
Oh my the champagne Q & A..lol luv! I found this article very honest. I was an exotic dancer/stripper/showgirl for years, I had clients that had so much to express, trusted me instead of their friends or their own partner, sharing insights into their sex life, fantasies, fetishes, I was their therapy without physical interaction. Now I’ve turned my hand to online female domination, it has been a natural progression, Thank you for this article.
I would have said almost the same things.. my perspective is from dancing though… many men asked for such things, others were guarded but i could pin what someone wanted to see on stage… all the time we rolled played because domming is what makes the crowd oogle and go ooh. I have had my fantasies for dungeons and so on but, never got around to it.. but, if i could in said, ” progressive California,” i could bring a lot of hell with me… professionally speaking, haha. This article was a good read, thank you for sharing.
have you ever had a visually impaired or a blind client?
Interesting perspective.
I like an aggressive cruel dominatrix where I fear getting hurt. I know she won’t injure me and it’s a fun kind of fear like riding a roller coaster i like the thrill and surprise on not knowing what she will do next
The most important thing that should be stressed to working girls who think that they can wing it and play about at being a good Dom is the first imperative necessity is a safe word and be respectful, when the role play time is over, the submissive is back in his public life which could well be as a high ranking official that you may encounter in a professional capacity. He could be the magistrate in charge of dishin out a sentence to you for a driving offences, or the surgeon in charge of your life threatening operation, so if you are a working girls who think that Dom is an easy way to make money, you are totally wrong it’s a highly specialized job being a dominatrix and playing about at something that you don’t understand is wrong,dangerous and well I leave you to fill in the blanks mistress angelic
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