FUNNY WOMEN #129: Consumer Reviews



Product Description

The Safet-EZ!® Infant Gate provides the ultimate peace of mind for parents of mobile toddlers. Highlights include a quick release valve for simple disassembly and a foot pedal for hands-free use. Breathe EZ with Safet-EZ!®


Consumer Reviews

1 out of 4 stars, “Freedom, anyone?”
By Tammi

I once read about other countries, like Africa, where moms do not use safety gates, even if they live near alligators. This way your babies can learn what is dangerous by themselves. I think we need to trust our children more.


[Refused to star], “Oh my F&%!”
By amanda85

The foot pedal on this thing refuses to so much as budge against the force of my focused rage. They should call this the “Un-Safety Un-EZ Teach-Your-Small-Child-to-Say-Assbag Gate.” F&%! this unrepentant piece of sh*#!!!!

0 out of 4 stars, “Pisspoor construction.”
By JamestheIII

My baby, for whom I purchased this gate, can basically exhale on the foot pedal and the door flies open at which point the entire contraption literally ceases to be a gate.

1 out of 4 stars, “Unnecessary. Here’s why!!!”
By KaleEcoDIYAlpacaMomma82

Just a little note out to you Mommy (& Daddy) Shoppers! I actually have no idea about this gate, but I wanted to offer a helpful tip. If you just hand-weave organic dye-free unbleached unsprayed fabric and braid it into superfine, fine ropes and knot these together in an elaborate web and then simply bore small holes into your door frame using, ideally, an antique hand drill, and then loopy-loop it through, you’ll have made yourself a nifty gate without being complicit in the consumer-industrial complex!!! Also, check out my do-it-for-less mom blog, Zero Convenience Means Love, and don’t forget to click on all the links so I can go to my mindful Zumba wealth-management retreat in Interloken all summer!

[Somehow enabled “negative stars”]
By Mark

Before I purchased this gate, my toe was not broken.

4 out of 4 stars, “Works perfectly if you’re not a Princess from Princess-land
By Manny97

It’s all about kilojoules, people. To get the foot part to work, just jump 6 to 8 cm off the ground then land perfectly perpendicular to the pedal. Notice you can’t be a degree off. (Also note that the correct jumping height is body-mass dependent.) Finally notice how I’m not writing this to complain, like the spoiled children you are, but rather to suggest you try facing a challenge every now and again instead of being the type of wife who just decides out of the clear blue to sell her husband’s manual transmission car to a complete stranger because it’s “too much trouble” even if it was associated with a lot of really good memories. You’re welcome.

2 out of 4 stars
By Y2K/RUready

STOP the CRAP frOM Forin Lands!!!!!!!!!!

.5 out of 4 stars, “Are you a mother or a man?”
By Chimpanzommy

Last time I checked, gates were for literal inmates and animals. So I’m not quite clear on why you need a gate? I’m seriously asking. I don’t have a hidden agenda or like an ounce of judgment for all those so-called mothers who are really like men with uteruses where their hearts should be. In fact, I’m typing this with only the two fingers that make a peace sign to show my goodwill toward all the moms who can somehow justify abandoning their babies to wolves! Believe me, it’s no walk in the park having a six-year-old strapped to my chest in a baby carrier while trying to type this with just two peace fingers, but I’m not going to lock him in a section of the house just because I have so-called “basic needs.” You guys are awful. (Peace sign emoji!)

5 out of 4 stars, “We just bought another one.”

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can, sort of. My baby girl calls this her “fun cage” and since we installed it, she giggles more. And so do I. This gate has made me a happier and more sexually-satisfied person.


2.5 out of 4 stars, “May lead to depression and self-doubt”
By Anna

I wouldn’t recommend buying this if you have hypercritical in-laws who, on every occasion they have to operate this gate, make a point of exclaiming how lousy it and everything you own and everything you do and all you represent truly are, until the gate becomes, to your mind, a stand-in for your soul, and the verbal and physical beating it takes during a recent week-long visit has led you to try assuaging your feelings of inadequacy by tenderly patting the topmost part of the gate while humming a lullaby to it/yourself.

1.5 out of 4 stars, “Works ok until suddenly doesn’t anymore.”
By RobSEastman32

I get it. When nature calls, you need to be in a different place than your roving baby. But be warned. With this gate, you will not go to the bathroom in peace. Unless by “peace” you mean the sound of your baby’s head crashing to the hard hard ground as this so-named safety gate falls on top of her tiny trusting body.

4 out of 4 stars
By Anonymous

Read the manual, fuckwads, if you want the gate to work.

3.5 out of 4 stars, “I’m grateful to the Lord for all His gifts.”
By Cara39

We have twelve children under the age of ten (God is good!) and I’m pretty sure we’ve owned every baby gate ever made! This one is the best and I should talk! It will not fall down if you trip on a toddler and crash into it on your way to the ground, or even if your preteens hang onto it like crazed monkeys, or especially if you are saddled with two little children, and pregnant again, and take a seat on the frame, and actually fall asleep for few seconds. Seriously I once fell asleep on top of this thing. (Blessed rest!) I should probably be thanking Him, though, and not this gate, which I’m pretty sure just broke. They all do.


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Ashley Lefrak is a writer and photographer. Her work has appeared in n + 1 and the New York Times and is forthcoming in Brain, Child. Originally from Virginia, she now lives in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania with her husband and their two young sons. More from this author →