This piece uses interview questions from Monster.com and answers from Tinder profiles of males age 21 to 28.
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Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: Born and raised in New Jersey. Bad boy with a heart of gold and his shit together. Italian… and can speak it a little bit. I’m 6’8” and before you ask, yes, the weather’s beautiful up here. College grad-ish. Sports fanatic/real athlete. Adrenaline junkie. Beach life. Music lover of all types. (Except EDM. EDM sucks.) Can dance with the best and worst of them. Actually, I’m probably a better dancer than you. Family and friends above everything. My dog is my lil’ man. Amateur chef. Comedian (or so I’m told!). Love to travel. Easiest going. I do big things on a daily basis. I still use T9. Basically, I’m the fucking man. And that’s not my kid.
Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Candidate: I’m the white Kevin Hart, I’m bearded these days, my clothes are made of husband material, and my cat is cooler than yours.
Interviewer: What are your weaknesses?
Candidate: Law student, amateur pun teller, failed astronaut. In so many bands. Nerding out. Beards: the push-up bra of masculinity. Sold out and became a copywriter. There’s an orchestra that I have following me around to give my life the soundtrack it deserves. My impression of a good night is just staying at home and watching a funny movie. I work and play too hard. My socks never match. I’ll probably only call you when it’s half past five. Also, cats don’t like me.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Candidate: I need help making my bed because I can’t get the last corner of my fitted sheet on. Basically, I’m looking for a future ex-wife.
Interviewer: What’s your ideal company?
Candidate: Food, nature, music over reading, beer instead of coffee, 4/20. But anything works for me as long as my girls are happy.
Interviewer: What attracted you to this company?
Candidate: Your eyes. They show me vistas of passion.
Interviewer: What do you know about this industry?
Candidate: The trash business is a gold mine.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Candidate: I would love someone on my level to talk to.
Interviewer: Where would you like to be in your career five years from now?
Candidate: I won’t be like a regular cop. I’ll be a cool cop.
Interviewer: What did you like least about your last job?
Candidate: Honestly, I think Chipotle is overrated.
Interviewer: What do you think of your previous boss?
Candidate: People who eat bagels whole are the reason I have trust issues.
Interviewer: What can you do for us that other candidates can’t?
Candidate: I can bake cookies and other food and stuff. And I always finish first.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in five words.
Candidate: I can describe myself in three emojis.
Interviewer: What three character traits would your friends use to describe you?
Candidate: Friends describe me as a chill, fun-loving, and just all-around awesome guy.
Interviewer: Tell me about your proudest achievement.
Candidate: I was once in an impromptu handsome contest with George Clooney. Loser had to get married.
Interviewer: What kind of personality do you work best with and why?
Candidate: I love girls with daddy issues because I’m a general troublemaker.
Interviewer: Why did you choose your major?
Candidate: I double-majored in being a trophy husband and blacking out because I’m that douchebag your parents hate.
Interviewer: What’s the most important thing you learned in school?
Candidate: I can drink like ten beers on a good night. And most nights are good nights.
Interviewer: What is your personal mission statement?
Candidate: Only drink good beers.
Interviewer: What is your biggest regret and why?
Candidate: #noregrets
Interviewer: Do you think a leader should be feared or liked?
Candidate: I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Interviewer: What is your favorite memory from childhood?
Candidate: I punched Chuck E Cheese at my ninth and eighteenth birthday parties.
Interviewer: What would you do if you won the lottery?
Candidate: Enjoy life, every day’s an adventure, open to most things, open to surprises, just be honest, laugh, app developer, produce podcasts, make you laugh, meet in person for drinks, looking for someone to do nothing with, eat a family pack of Eggo Waffles, carpe diem.
Interviewer: What do you do in your spare time?
Candidate: Looking to meet some new people. Love to travel all over and try new things, hopefully with a partner. My hobbies include hiking, photography, and smoking too much weed. From grams to grands. Learn my story.
Interviewer: If you were an animal, which one would you want to be?
Candidate: I like to think I’m a unicorn. Your unicorn.
Interviewer: What salary are you seeking?
Candidate: Looking for a dime plus 99.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Candidate: Look, I’m not here to put boots on caterpillars. Do you wanna fuck?
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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly. Purchase Annie’s art here.
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