Have you ever been on a small boat in choppy waters with a bad hangover and an uncle who makes mouth sounds? Hello, first trimester. (For some people. For those of you who sail through all blissful and vomitless, congratulations; you are officially a Pregnancy Miracle.)
Everyone you know (and everyone on the Internet) will be more than happy to hand over lots of folksy advice on how to combat morning sickness. These remedies will probably not work, but what the hell: They’re worth a shot. Said advice may include:
1. Fancy Motion Sickness Bracelets
You can buy these online for $19. If you wear one, everyone will know you’re pregnant because (a) you’re not on a boat, and (b) these are not fashionable accessories. Unless you regularly wear a sweatband on each wrist to complement your power suit, consider yourself outed.
Some people swear by the mind-and-body-altering power of smells and will try to convince you to purchase a small vial of peppermint oil to whip out when you’re feeling sick. If this works for you, please email us with the subject line “I Was Cured by Smells” and tell us about your experience.
3. Fennel Seeds
Because your first trimester isn’t punishing enough, you should buy a jar of tiny seeds seasoned with Essence of Armpit and chew on them while trying to r estrain yourself from puking. Bonus: Enjoy the sensation of licorice-flavored sand filling the crevices between your teeth. This remedy could only have been invented by men.
4. Sour Candy
Regardless of whether or not this “cure” is actually effective, it gives you an excuse to eat Sour Patch Kids by the pound, so that’s good.
5. Grilled Cheese
Many women try to stave off the effects of morning sickness by ensuring that they never get too hungry, and a grilled cheese alongside your morning cup of coffee isn’t the worst way to start your day. (Saltines help, too, but cheesy bread is way more fun.)
6. Simultaneous Back Massage and Chocolate Cake
Okay, we made this one up. But pregnancy is a great excuse to demand a lot of favors from your partner and/or anyone in your immediate vicinity, and we suggest you take advantage of that. With massages. And cake.
P.S. There are plenty of safe and effective medicines for morning sickness out there. If you’re all full up on fennel seeds, go have a chat with your doctor
Excerpted with permission from The Big Fat Activity Book for Pregnant People, published by Plume, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Pages 16–17 copyright © 2017 by Jordan Reid and Erin Williams.