Nominations for the First Annual Woke Men Awards

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The most important night for fragile male egos is nearly upon us. The Annual Woke Men Awards seeks to honor the often overlooked emotional labor performed by men in the office when they occasionally treat women like human beings. Too often these efforts go unrecognized, and the Woke Awards were created to both honor these efforts and stroke their delicate egos so as encourage them to continue treating women with the same modicum of respect they give each other.

Best Supportive Male Friend:

  • Larry, from marketing, for his performance listening to Linda discuss her divorce for three minutes without undressing her in his mind.
  • Harold, from accounts, for buying a round of drinks for his team without intending to sleep with any of them.
  • Dustin, from HR, for his efforts not telling everyone in the office that Linda once filed a sexual harassment complaint against her previous supervisor.

 

Best Male Performance of Being a Nice Guy

  • Cody, the intern, for agreeing with Linda that her ex-husband was being unreasonable.
  • Larry, from marketing, for pretending to enjoy eating the banana bread Linda had baked.
  • Harold, for showing restraint in not joking about how clients love women with big tits in short skirts after asking Linda to join the team for the sales pitch.

 

Best Reading a Book Written by a Woman or Person of Color:

  • Mike for reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
  • Larry for reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
  • Tim for reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
  • Dustin for reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

 

Best Mansplaining Everyday Tasks

  • Mike’s explanation of how unplugging the router resets the internet.
  • Larry, for explaining the best way of having a clean refrigerator is to assign a specific person to empty it every Friday afternoon, and then also explaining why that person should be Linda.
  • Harold, for telling Linda clients prefer it when she wears her hair down instead of tied back because it makes her look more feminine.

 

Best Use of the Phrase “Some of my best friends are women”

  • Harold, in describing past accounts personnel.
  • Mike, during the meeting describing his idea to boost sales to women ages twenty-five to forty.
  • Cody, for describing his Tuesday night date.

 

Best Didn’t Rape a Coworker

  • Mike, from accounting, for that night working late on the annual report without raping Linda.
  • Larry for his performance in poorly lit parking garage while walking Linda to her car.
  • Cody, the Intern, for the time he was alone in the elevator with Linda.

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Featured image via Creative Commons.


Ian MacAllen is the Rumpus Deputy Editor and founder of English Kills Review an online literary magazine focused on books, authors, and New York City. His writing has appeared in Little Fiction, Vol 1 Brooklyn, Joyland Magazine, Chicago Review of Books, Fiction Advocate, and elsewhere. He holds a Master’s Degree in English from Rutgers University and lives in Brooklyn. He tweets @IanMacAllen and is online at IanMacAllen.com. More from this author →