Meet your new email system Femail, for the woman who emails. Sign up today to start taking advantage of our revolutionary features:
Custom business email (@femail.com)
Let your contacts know that you mean lady business with a custom email that looks feminine but acts like all other email addresses.
Auto-reply feature
When you’re out of the office for reasons that don’t necessitate an apology, an involved explanation, or perma-guilt, Femail can send a feminist out-of-office reply. Here’s just one of our templates designed for women like you:
I’m currently out of the office on unpaid maternity leave. The United States still does not guarantee paid maternity leave, despite how “the miracle of birth” often entails being split open to continue the human race. When I return to the office far too soon, thus putting myself and my baby at risk, I’ll likely be put on the “mommy track,” meaning I’ll be taken even less seriously at work and will be given fewer opportunities to advance my career, support my family, and contribute to society. If I don’t reply to your email in a timely manner, I’m just trying to figure out how to pump breast milk in a work environment with an open office plan.
Chat, video, and more
Chat with your co-workers about starting a coven, or host a video meeting with Femail Hangouts. Femail Hangouts are perfect for talking about wine, the best place for jazz brunch (where the jazz is cool but the coffee is hot!), and the latest fool not returning your texts. You can also sync your periods around the full moon using Femail’s Calendar feature.
Emotional labor primer
In response to being asked a favor or to go out of your way, Femail will send the latest articles about the female mental load, unequal emotional labor, clerical labor, and decision fatigue. Plus, Femail will redirect to websites selling socially conscious gifts that give back to the women who produced them, and will fill the offender’s cart with these gifts to be sent to your home address.
2-hour customer support
Femail’s customer support is modeled off typical bra support.
List generator and auto-purchase feature
Every time you receive a news alert in your inbox with a “best of” list that doesn’t include one woman or non-binary person, Femail will automatically reply with freshly updated lists of overlooked work by non-men that includes links to each. Femail can also be configured to purchase tickets on opening weekend to any film that passes the Bechdel test.
Language Check
Femail includes a specialized linguistic check that corrects sexist language in incoming emails, and then emails the sender a revised version, i.e. “How many of you guys can make it to the pick-up basketball game?” will be replaced with “I’d love to see if any of you wonderful folks can join me for tonight’s book club.” Language Check will respond to any emails that include sexist insults with the entire text of Roxane Gay’s latest book.
The Ex-plainer
Femail blocks you from emailing exes. In the event one of your exes “reaches out,” Femail sends an auto-thank you for getting in touch and will include your recent “look at me now” accomplishments relayed in a breezy yet humble tone. Femail will also imply that you’ve really got your shit together and that you are in a better place emotionally and that you believe, truly believe, that everything happened for the best and that you regret nothing. Femail will make sure there are zero grammatical errors while at the same time conveying, with a hint of sexuality, that no thought whatsoever was devoted to this email. Finally Femail will end each reply with the death blows of “hope you’re well” and “wish you the very best!”
E-maler
Studies show that men tend to send shorter emails and to reply quickly. Femail can help you send bold, assertive responses in .5 seconds, scrubbed of phrases like, “Sorry, but…” or “Does that sound okay to you?” or “I hate myself.” Femail will also replace every “I think” with “I know.”
Social media filter
Femail deletes any social media notifications that include #notallmen, #mentoo, #genderbiasedlaws, #feminazi, #MRA, or #bestlife.
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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.
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