FUNNY WOMEN: Excerpts from George Eliot’s MiddleMuppet
“MEEEEEEEEEP!!!”
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...moreI need a book that gives me the high of MDMA without the risk of faintness, dehydration, or a nosy mall cop telling me to put my shirt back on in the food court.
...moreDear MFA Faculty at Private University,
...moreDo I come across as a middle child with first-child energy? Would you recommend treatment for my character, and if so, from a sliding-scale social worker or a psychiatrist? Meditation or medication? Out-patient or in?
...moreIt turns out freelance homicide detective actually is a job, and he’s super good at it.
...moreMentally replay every worst memory of your childhood until pregnancy is scared away. Works every time.
...more“Poem and I are better at sex than you two,” said the short story accurately. “We get in. We get out. Boom. Done.”
...moreWater is a precious resource; my portable soda stream honors that fact.
...morePresent a copy of The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. Whoever puts it in their purse is the woman. Whoever pulls their own copy out of their pocket is Gertrude Stein.
...moreAnnouncing the She-bot 3000, a female companion who’s the perfect combination of girlfriend, mother, and therapist. For a low daily rate (and with no minimum commitment or background check required), the She-bot can be your bot, and yours only.
...moreStretch. Listen in hundreds of different positions. Listen a little to the left; now a little to the right.
...moreUpon our union, it’s only a matter of time until our two wombs join to form a super-powerful uniwomb, not seen since ancient Mayan times…
...moreNOTE: Be sure to jot down all jokes before you stop breathing.
...moreOur nascent but well-established literary magazine is now open for submissions.
...moreMorning exercise can also ignite that creative spark. Try to outrun an oedipal prophecy
...moreHit me if you’re down for this excluze to all your compadbros.
...moreAfter approaching her, start a conversation by trying to guess her ethnicity.
...moreMrs. Rogers was angry. She was very angry.
...moreThis moment has come to its crisis. As you can see I really can’t be blamed.
...moreShe knows how to yell, but wouldn’t yell if her life depended on it.
...moreYou can take care of it in the morning. Just write yourself a note.
...moreGet creative! “Brian” could become “Bryawn,” courter of women, slayer of ogres.
...moreMy work starts before you even enter the Zoom room.
...moreThis is your invitation to respond to the 2020 Census.
...moreI thought my period would be the happiest, most active time of the month.
...moreThat’s how cool she was, not like his ex-girlfriend.
...moreBut enough about my credentials, which are copious.
...moreIf Holly invites five women over, what is the ratio of “fear” to “coven formation”?
...more