FUNNY WOMEN: Welcome to The Pink Peony, a Newsfeed for Women

By

Dear Valued Subscribers,

The editorial board of this major mainstream news organization has recently been made aware that it doesn’t always represent women’s voices in a way that accurately reflects actual women. Ladies, we hear you. You can stop calling, emailing, and sending us your profanity-filled invectives. We, too, skimmed the recent report by the Women’s Media Center, and we agree it’s a shame that women write just thirty-eight percent of articles in major print publications like this one. Why have we allowed more than fifty percent of our content about reproductive issues to be reported by men?, is a question many of you are asking.

We have a solution we know you’re going to love! From this day forward, our female editor will produce content exclusively for a female-driven vertical newsfeed. We call it The Pink Peony.

When you subscribe to The Pink Peony, you’ll receive a complimentary hand-knit pussy hat and monthly content from women, by women, about women, and for women. The Pink Peony will feature news stories and issues that we simply don’t have space for in our daily publication—stories about the realities of childbirth, tampon alternatives, postpartum placenta facials, breast cancer, fertility mapping, protein, vocal fry, over-apologizing, under-apologizing, dodging the male gaze without offending the male, expressing opinions without seeming aggressive, leaning in, butting out, and birth control—issues traditionally covered by men.

As we’re learning, women have opinions and ideas about politics. We’re going to let them express those opinions in this new space. For example, don’t miss the inaugural editorial—an open letter to Theresa May and Angela Merkel offering tips to improve relations with Donald Trump (“Flattery is required, as is a soothing tone. Wear layers, lots of layers. Wrap them around you like a cloak of armor.”).

Our debut health and wellness feature is a compelling story about one woman’s harrowing experience with Botox injections. When a Kansas City bridesmaid attended her friend’s medical spa wedding shower last spring, she came away with a droopy eyelid and a strained friendship. “For months it looked like my left eye was trying to escape my face,” the bridesmaid said. “My friend made me turn sideways for all the wedding photos.”

The reporter for this piece is fresh off a six-month assignment covering conflicts at the Israeli-Palestinian border, and we’re thrilled to give her this exciting new opportunity. She’ll bring you features like this one every month. Asked about the new beat, she said: “All I’ve ever wanted was to report on real people dealing with serious issues. I can’t believe this is happening.”

We love her enthusiasm.

In upcoming issues we’ll introduce a series that follows the victims of the #MeToo movement as they work to rebuild shattered lives and careers. We call it: “Where in the World Is Matt Lauer?” Our first subject will be Matt Lauer. We caught up with Lauer off the coast of Sag Harbor where he spends his days chatting up fishermen and floating the idea of a comeback.

“The tide will turn,” Lauer said, gesturing toward the bay waters. “It’s been more than six months. No one has suffered more than I have.”

Asked to comment, a local woman fishing off a nearby pier had only one word for us: “No.”

Note: We’ve been unable to find a female reporter willing to tackle this assignment, so we’ve enlisted the talents of one of the oldest men on our staff. He’s thrilled for the opportunity to interview many of his idols.

Plus we tag along with Hillary Clinton on one of her Chappaqua nature walks. She dishes about her grandchildren (“They’re beautiful”), her favorite cookie recipe (“You can’t be serious”), those famous pantsuits (“I was Secretary of State”), and her novel-in-progress about an unlikable female protagonist.

Other newspaper publishers may be content to have women write just twenty-five percent of movie reviews, but not us. Our sole female movie critic will review all the hottest chick flicks for The Pink Peony. First up, The Mile High Mommy Club, the latest movie about a group of women who complain about their children, practice Pilates, stalk their husband’s mistresses, and make a fortune forging medical marijuana prescriptions for other moms. For important films and entertainment news, you can still turn to our print edition where we’ll continue to provide the esteemed opinions of numerous white male critics.

We know fashion is important, so we’ll include a slideshow featuring the latest powerful trends for working women. Ponchos are out, capelets are in! We’ll show you the latest collection of shapeless tent dresses for women over forty. And we get political when we talk to fashion gurus about the First Lady’s controversial couture. We really do care! We hope you do, too.

The Pink Peony will also bring you reviews of “womyn’s” music festivals, analysis of all the latest locker room talk, and tips on choosing the perfect nanny who can make it into the country.

Plus, the pseudonymous Ms. Guided stands ready to offer advice on the labyrinth of guilt-inducing female choices. Whether you’re thinking about asking for a raise, getting divorced, joining a gym, or stabbing your lecherous coworker in the genitals with a sharp pencil, Ms. Guided will walk you through the emotional, ethical, legal, and practical considerations of these pressing decisions.

We hope you’ll think of The Pink Peony as your primary source of information for any issue that affects women’s lives but doesn’t much matter to men. Speaking of men, each month we’ll bring you profiles of men who swear they’ve been influenced by women. Read heartwarming stories about mothers and grandmothers, wives and daughters, sisters and friends from important men doing important work in the world. We hope this feature inspires women everywhere to do more for the men in their lives.

Our goal is to make The Pink Peony one hundred percent female-driven in the first year. While we train our staff of interns and former administrative assistants, I’ll serve as Executive Editor, offering advice, assigning stories, and approving all content. As the grandson of our illustrious publisher and a recent graduate with a degree in journalism, it’s an honor to start my career as a mentor to this beautiful sisterhood of editors, reporters, columnists, and, maybe one day, photographers.

Yours in female empowerment,
Jason Jordan Johnston, III

The Pink Peony is brought to you by Similac baby formula.
Similac: Better than breast since 1925.

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Rumpus original art by Lisa Lee Herrick.

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Tiffany Quay Tyson is the author of the novels The Past is Never and Three Rivers. She teaches at Lighthouse Writers Workshop in Denver, CO. More from this author →