FUNNY WOMEN: What Does It Mean When a Girl Is Quiet?

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Quiet girls have long been a mystery to men and to the world itself and did I mention to men. What does it mean when a girl is being quiet around you, not verbally acknowledging your presence? What is she trying to say by not talking to you? After decades of research and absolutely zero conversations with women, we have some answers.

When a girl is quiet, it’s because she has a million things on her mind. She is trying to envision one million different things. Bicycle, bag of chips, a cat dressed to look like a different kind of animal. You should ask if she wants help thinking of more things.

When a girl is being very quiet, it’s because she’s eavesdropping on another conversation. How interesting! You should tell her she’s so interesting.

When a girl is extra quiet, it could mean she is mad. It could also mean she is sad. Perhaps she is glad or even thinking about Brad, that guy who already had abs in elementary school. Her silence could be an expression of any of these rhyming things, but it’s probably the Brad one.

When a girl is quiet, she’s concentrating on holding in a fart. When she is loud, it is to conceal a fart. A girl is always farting or about to fart.

When a girl is quite, she just made a typo.

A shy girl is sometimes a quiet girl. But a quiet girl isn’t always shy. It’s kind of like how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. Do architects design a building and go, “I made this room a square and, in turn, it is also a rectangle,” and the construction team is like, “Excellent, this changes everything”? A quiet girl is like that.

When a girl isn’t saying anything, it’s fine because a man will always say the thing she’s about to say, only louder.

When a girl isn’t smiling, watch out! She could be about to explode. A quiet, non-smiling girl is a ticking time bomb. Oh, wait—this one isn’t a girl at all but a literal bomb. The ticking sound should have given it away. It did seem weird that she had no skin and was made of wires. Seemed rude to ask, though, because girls can be so sensitive. Or is that bombs? I always confuse the two.

When a girl isn’t saying much, it’s probably just the first half of this movie. Once the male protagonist solves her murder and avengers her rape, she will say three or even four lines in a flashback.

When a girl is wearing headphones in public, she is probably waiting for you to ask what she is listening to. In fact, it would be rude not to ask. Why else does someone have headphones on in public if not to invite conversation?

A quiet girl reading a book is the loudest kind of quiet girl.

When a girl is quiet, she’s probably thinking about how good you are at talking.

Quiet girls are complicated. Louder girls are complicated, too. All girls are complicated because if you talk to them in person, then they might respond with their own thoughts, feelings, and expectations about appropriate social interactions, etc. And that just gets too hard to follow.

A quiet girl is the kind of girl you want to take home to your mom. Your mom is also a Quiet Girl. The two of them will get along well, just shrugging and nodding silently back and forth at each other. Now that you think about it, all the Girls in your life are Quiet. Maybe it’s because you’re really loud? I’ve never heard a Quiet Girl finish a sentence, so I’m guessing that means they can’t? I’m really good at finishing sentences, so I’m being helpful when I finish theirs for them. Which is also a solid way to flirt, I think.

Loud girls are scary to me. It’s like, why are you talking at full volume and typing using all caps? That’s just unnecessary and masculine.

When a girl isn’t talking, it might mean she just doesn’t want to talk to you right now. It seems too obvious, but it’s SOMETIMES TRUE!

When a boy is quiet, especially around women, that makes him a feminist and that’s really brave of him.

Either that, or he’s thinking about rectangles.

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud

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Mia Mercado is a writer whose work has been featured in the New Yorker, the New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, The Belladonna Comedy, and a bottle she threw into the Milwaukee River when she was nine. You can follow her on Twitter @miamarket or see more of her writing at miamercado.com but, like, no pressure. More from this author →