FUNNY WOMEN: DeVos’s New Rules Offer Support to Assault Allegation Survivors

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is proposing sweeping changes to rules under Title IX [the law that bars sex discrimination in schools that receive federal funding].

NPR

Citing Supreme Court precedent, the proposal puts forth a narrow definition of harassment. Obama-era guidelines held that harassment was “unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature.” [DeVos’s] proposed regulation defines it as “unwelcome conduct on the basis of sex that is so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it denies a person access to the school’s education program or activity.”

Washington Post

The Trump administration… proposed new rules for schools dealing with sexual assault and harassment allegations that would narrow the definition of sexual harassment and offer greater protections for those accused of wrongdoing.

ABC News

 

More of DeVos’s revisions include:

From now on, those who can be accused of sexual assault will be strictly defined as “any man who does not wear suede loafers, own a boat of any kind, and/or is not listed as ‘white’ on any census survey.”

Sexual assault includes unauthorized touching of a woman’s breast(s), unless it occurs over her clothing or she is wearing a halter top.

Sexual assault cannot occur between the hours of 11:59 p.m. and 6:54 a.m. as that time is considered “fair game.” This “window of opportunity” was established on the basis that most men are too drunk or sleepy to control themselves during this timeframe, and frankly, should not have to.

Sexual assault is not sexual assault if the accused has parents with a house in Aspen, is Protestant (or at least not Jewish), can pull off a fedora, maintains a Keto diet, has attended at least one live DJ set, has a low-key benzodiazepine hookup, has an attractive mother whom his friends can sexualize “as a joke,” and/or considers himself a “Vegas guy” but also loves Miami.

Sexual assault is merely regular behavior if the accused’s name is Blake, Chad, or Devin.

Schools must require “clear and convincing evidence” to adjudicate cases, such as the accused’s tier of fraternity, the record of his sports team(s), and his father’s FICO score.

As clear evidence that the conduct was one hundred percent unwanted, the woman must say, “Please do not touch my ______. Your fingers/hands/member are unwanted in/on/ around ______.” This verbal declaration must be recorded on the Voice Memos app of the iPhone 8 or above and uploaded to the Cloud within the first half hour of the alleged “assault.” Android footage will be declared void.

As convincing evidence that the conduct was undoubtedly unwanted, the “victim” must weigh less than one hundred and twenty pounds.

Rape kits, aka “Hail Marys,” will only be considered clear evidence if the test is conducted within one hundred and forty two minutes of the supposedly unwanted sexual fun-time, and only then if the results are negative.

Witnesses will only be called to testify if they are immediate members of the accused’s “squad.”

The accuser must be cross-examined by a lawyer who interned under O. J. Simpson’s “dream team” and is the accused’s relative.

Schools are obligated to investigate incidents that occur only on campus— and excluding tenured professors’ offices, dorm rooms of any kind, the designated lift area of the gym, the campus chapel, any quad during game day (of any male sport), closed parking garages, and rooftops with “a sick view.”

Schools must dismiss cases that do not occur on campus out of respect for off-campus students’ freedom of expression.

Schools must hold live hearings with the accuser and defendant present. A neutral decision-maker will conduct these hearings and is assigned to a case by losing a game of “nose-goes.”

The live hearings will be broadcasted over Facebook Watch where viewers can text in their vote—”Legit” or “Quit”—based on which person they like more.

Each hearing will be brought to you by Smirnoff Ice Smash: Bold Infusions in Can.

When considering whether to investigate a “sexual assault” claim, schools must prioritize their reputations. Rejecting most accusations will prevent schools from being perceived as “too rape-y.”

Schools must solely look into complaints that school officials have actual knowledge of happening, i.e. a school official must be present during the improbable sexual assault. If a school official cannot attend the nonconsensual sexual event, then literally, you guys, nothing happened.

Schools will only be held accountable if they are “deliberately indifferent” to sexual harassment. As a result, schools must respond to each case with one of the following phrases: “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way”; “I totally know where you’re coming from”; “damn, that sucks”; “what a bummer”; “sounds tough”; “when it rains, it pours”; and “sorry not sorry.”

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Hanna Dickinson is a New York-based standup comic who performs in clubs across the city. She wrote on season 3 of TruTV's Comedy Knockout and is currently a digital creator at Comedy Central. She also has an album on Sirius XM called Lactose Intolerant. Hanna is best known for her work in a Korean weight loss commercial as the role of "before." More from this author →