FUNNY WOMEN: Whimsical Abortion Procedures

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Gently poke your tummy with a pin. Watch it release a puff of confetti and deflate.

Write down each of your career goals onto separate pieces of paper. Chew and swallow. The paper in your system should take care of everything.

Pay off the stork to remove your house from its route.

Find food on floor dropped by each child you already birthed and now support. Boil in water, strain, and infuse liquid into balm. Rub balm on tired arms.

In bed the night before a busy day, count the number of hours you prefer to sleep. Repeat until you fall into a childless slumber. Pregnancy should be gone by morning.

Mentally replay every worst memory of your childhood until pregnancy is scared away. Works every time.

Lift your favorite caffeinated beverage to your lips and sing into it the anthems of the schools you’d like to attend instead of having a child. Prepare a syringe with the brew, and inject yourself.

Note the numerical imbalance between the number of male and female biographical Wikipedia articles. Read Wikipedia sections of every famous man’s wife or mother. Your female body will shut down pregnancy upon finding that women haven’t had lives of their own throughout history.

Close your eyes and focus very hard on the uninterrupted quiet all around you. When you hear a soft “pop” you will know that your pregnancy is gone.

Litigate your partner’s testes until they are mandated to carry the pregnancy and decide what to do with it.

Legally change your middle name to “Not Pregnant.” Pregnancy will auto-nullify, and you will not get pregnant again unless you choose to legally change your name back.

Fill a hot bath. Lower your face into the water and list everything you like to do in your free time. Bathe in this as the pregnancy exits through your pores.

Dial in to the world wide womb. Go to your reproductive system’s server, and overwrite the code of your pregnancy.

Take a ride on the Aborti-coaster.

Move to the Land of Abortions, where people with uteruses are provided abortions free of charge. Also known as “Norway.”

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud

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Amy Collier once saw Fabio at an airport. Fabio is an Italian model who has appeared on many classic romance novels, such as Love Me with Fury, Lovestorm, and More Than a Feeling. He has been the spokesperson for The Geek Squad, OralB Sensitive Advantage Toothbrush, Nationwide Insurance, Versace, and the American Cancer Society. He is 6'3" barefoot; usually in cowboy boots. Follow Amy on Twitter @Amy_Corp. More from this author →