FUNNY WOMEN: Rejection Letters from an Overly Empathetic Editor

Dear Gwyneth,

Thank you for your submission of “Heartbreak.” Unfortunately, it is not quite for us. I understand the pain of a relationship gone bad. You’re quite convincing in portraying Roy’s dickheadedness. He reminded me of several men in my own life. But therein lies the problem: I can’t see that this adds anything new to the canon of “asshole men” stories. He cheats, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t do oral “if the moon’s on the rise,” but the girl loves him. That was me with Animal Jim. I had to show this goon where the clit was. Plus, he smashed my hamster. This is the stuff women endure. But you need to shape your litany of grievances into something more. We need some direction—like a plot. But your prose is good and strong! What a memorable description of the scrotal tats!

Wishing you all the best,
Ellie Keene, editor

Dear Zoe,

Thank you for your submission of “Behind Closed Doors at Marshfield High.” Unfortunately, it is not quite a fit for us. You say it’s based on your experience as a high school teacher, which is also a job I had in my thirties. I well understand the pressure of teaching and the need for release, but honestly, popping pills, banging other teachers during lunch, drinking heavily at night and diving into hard stuff on weekends—we all did that; it’s what you do. I see that you are quite young, so perhaps it seems novel to you, but I’m sorry to say it’s not. Tell us about the classroom! There’s always that one intriguing student! I based a whole novel on this fractious sophomore, Dwayne. Something like that would hold much more interest. You have great potential!

Wishing you all the very best,
Ellie Keene, editor

Dear Kyle,

Thank you for your submission of “A Son’s Grief.” Unfortunately, it is not quite a fit for us. You say it is based on the slow, tortuous death of your own father from brain cancer at eighty-nine. Those final years sound horrendous and you have my sincerest sympathy. My own father had blood on his brain after a hemorrhagic stroke, but they were able to drill a hole in his head and insert a tube from there to his stomach, which took care of the problem, although, like your father, it left him with frontotemporal dementia. Thank god, however, he was spared your father’s sudden sexual obsession with Wolf Blitzer, which necessitated your having to tie his hands to the bed rails. Reading about the years of dealing with your father’s incontinence, drool, and “toenails as thick as pork chops”—this is heartbreaking. You do have a talent for getting the reader to “see” every aspect of his bed care, including your attempts to push the prolapsed hemorrhoids back into the anal chute, but I’m wondering, do we need forty pages? More attention to your thoughts and emotions would not be amiss, Kyle, as we never understand how you personally felt about it all. Let it out!

Yours,
Ellie Keene, editor

Dear Meaghan,

Thank you for your submission of “The Bear.” Unfortunately, it is not quite a fit for us. I liked the description of the bear, though “paws as big as frying pan lids” does not give me a clear image. I read eagerly as the bear charged into the house from the woods, breaking down doors, ripping up furniture and generally wreaking havoc. I kept waiting though for something more. At one point I thought you might be reworking a fairytale or something in that vein, but then it just ends. You have a good start to a story, and I encourage you to keep at it. Thank you for thinking of us!

All the very best,
Ellie Keene, editor

Dear Meaghan,

Regarding your email to me concerning my response to “The Bear,” it hurt to be called a “bonehead” by you. If I may give you some friendly advice, this is no way to talk to an editor. We are overworked, we are tired, and we don’t claim to always get it right. As I said, I liked the description of the bear though I recommended rethinking “paws as big as frying pan lids.” Also, I had no idea this story was a “metaphor for sexual assault,” as you say. There are no humans in the story, only this marauding bear, whom I will forever see walking on frying pan lids. I’m sorry I missed your point. I wish you luck with a more astute editor!

All the very best,
Ellie Keene, editor

Dear Garret,

Thank you for your submission of “Fuck You.” Unfortunately, it is not quite a fit for us. You mentioned in your cover letter that I would probably reject it due to its strong language. This shows you have read very little of our journal. My hesitation is regarding the experimental format—no punctuation or paragraphing or any characterization whatsoever, plus whole lines given over to ampersands and/or links to your Instagram showing disembodied limbs. Also, your requisite that the piece be read in “airplane mode” on a Tuesday was off-putting. In short, I had no idea what was going on, and I read it three times. Sorry for my obtuseness! I wish you the best of luck elsewhere!

Yours,
Ellie Keene, editor