FUNNY WOMEN: Terms & Conditions of Your Egg Freezing Groupon

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Thank you for purchasing Later Baby®’s Deluxe Egg Freezing Groupon! Please read the fine print below that outlines the terms and conditions of mastering your uterus.

USAGE

(i) Groupon expires X days after purchase, where X is your age divided by your mother’s age when she had you, then multiplied by how old you thought you’d be when you gave birth to your first child, and added to Jennifer Lopez’s current age.

(ii) Limit seventy-five cycles per person under thirty and one cycle per person over thirty-five. Limits for women between thirty and thirty-five will be determined by how many Cardi B songs she can name.

(iii) Not valid on Valentine’s Day, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, six months following a breakup, within twelve hours of phone calls with the Groupon Holder’s mother, within two weeks of announcements of little sisters’ pregnancies, or on Flag Day.

(iiii) Must be eighteen or older, or Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend.

 

PRIVACY

(i) Later Baby® reserves the right to publish promotional photos of the Groupon Holder’s uterus, etc. on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, YouTube, Tik Tok, Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Fingr, Burglr, LinkedIn, and whatever will be invented in the future. Later Baby® may delete photos of the Groupon Holder’s uterus if it doesn’t get enough likes.

(ii) By giving Later Baby® your biological information, you agree to have your data sold to advertisers who can personalize and target content at you. For example, a neon billboard might appear outside your office window that reads, “Hey (Groupon Holder), remember when you got a yeast infection in Cambodia and bought tile grout instead of anti-fungal ointment, and your vagina sealed shut? Next time try Monistat.”

 

CLAUSES

(i) Later Baby® cannot guarantee frozen eggs will survive thawing or that surviving eggs will be sexually or emotionally attracted to selected sperm. Groupon Holder agrees to keep expectations low, hopes in check, and estrogen on fleek.

(ii) If not thawed within five years of freezing date, then Later Baby® will assume Groupon Holder has not found “The One” and will ship eggs to an international storage facility in Kiev, where they will be donated to infertile Ukrainian women in exchange for foreign intelligence. Groupon Holder can extend the cryopreservation period by providing evidence that she is making headway on Hinge.

(iii) Later Baby® reserves the right to deny thawing if the Groupon Holder is deemed unsuitable for motherhood. Conditions for denial include but are not limited to: failure to give up high fructose corn syrup, fear of freeing the nipple, and the remote desire to have a room of one’s own.

 

REQUIREMENTS

(i) Later Baby® may mandate the name of the Groupon Holder’s child up to one year after birth. Popular Later Baby® names include Luggo, Jaquinx, Kirkil, and Pamely.

(ii) Well-developed Later Babies® are legally bound to appear on at least one (1) outdoor neon billboard, four (4) seasonal Later Baby® Instagram accounts, and twelve (12) Today Show appearances with female hosts, depending on the symmetry of the baby’s face. Failure to comply will result in years of online bullying by Later Baby®’s Russian child-troll farm.

 

RESTRICTIONS

(i) Groupon not valid if Groupon Holder has not internalized how late-stage capitalism has made her fertility a part of a system rigged against her. Or, if she has HPV.

 

ADD-ONS

(i) Groupon does not include fertility hormones, which must be purchased at an additional cost. Prices vary depending on how far the Groupon Holder’s uterus is from being dust.

(ii) Groupon is valid for basic cryopreservation only. Special features, such as Prodigy Gene, Proportional Body Insurance, and Men’s Rights Activist DNA Deletion are available through our partner company, Better Baby®.

(ii) Voucher does not include insemination. For implantation rates, please visit www.LaterBaby.com/TheySayYouWillMeetSomeoneWhenYouLeastExpectItButYouAreAlwaysExpectingItSoJustFuckingDoThis.com.

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Casey Rand is a writer in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in the NewYorker.com, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, The Belladonna, and more. Her book, Please Vote for People Who Support Climate Action, is not real and was just a way to do some canvassing in this bio. You can follow her @caseyrand, but don’t expect much. More from this author →