FUNNY WOMEN: Official 2020 Census Letter

By

Dear resident (and amigos):

This is your invitation to respond to the 2020 Census. We need your help counting everyone in the United States: adults, children, babies, and bad hombres.

As you’ve probably already heard, we are legally barred from asking you about your citizenship. To work around this challenge, we’ve added a series of questions to help us better determine the status of the people living in your household.

 

1. Your favorite food is (select only one):

  • Tortas
  • Empanadas
  • Tamales
  • Panuchos
  • Huevos Rancheros
  • Chilaquiles
  • Enchiladas
  • Cochinita Pibil
  • Tostadas
  • Quesadillas
  • Chiles Rellenos
  • Manchamanteles
  • Hot Dog

 

2. You know exactly where you were when Juan Gabriel died:

  • Yes or Jess
  • Who?

 

3. Mark off any of the following words that actually sound different to you:

  • Cheap
  • Sheep
  • Chip
  • Ship

 

4. If you were to watch a medical drama television series it would be:

  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Los Medicos

 

5. You get your astrology from the following sources:

  • Susan Miller
  • The ghost of Walter Mercado
  • Co-Star App

 

6. Okay, we have to ask—what do you think will happen to Elena and Guillermo’s relationship? Do you really think the DEA will succeed in its plot to overthrow the president, or will La Reina’s nemesis find her?

  • Da fuck?
  • Well, remember how Elena’s mother abandoned her in front of a convent? And then the headmistress adopted her as her own daughter because she’d had an affair with an agave farmer–who was married to La Reina’s cousin–and wanted to make the agave farmer think the child was his after all this time, even though the headmistress was bound to God? Well, Elena’s mother is ready to spill the tea that Elena and La Reina were separated at birth, forcing Guillermo to choose between his love for Elena and her sister, La Reina. Meanwhile, the DEA leaked La Reina’s whereabouts to her nemesis in exchange for her attempt to assassinate the president, not knowing she has a thing for men in power.

 

7. If you had a dime for every time someone said to you, “Oh, I didn’t know you spoke Mexican?” — how rich would you be?

  • $1,900,000
  • -$1,900,999.10

 

8. You typically celebrate Cinco de Mayo with:

  • Margaritas, sombrero-sized tacos, a hot sauce costume.
  • Cinco de Mayo is a holiday invented by the greeting card industry to sell piñatas.

 

9. One thing missing from J. Lo and Shakira’s Superbowl performance:

  • “Whenever, Wherever” performed by Vice President Mike Pence
  • Paquita La Del Barrio
  • Absolutely nothing

 

10. How much do you love the Trump administration’s U.S. immigration policy?

  • Love it

 

Gracias for completing the 2020 Census questionnaire. We look forward to deporting you.

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.

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Vanessa Golenia is a writer and storyteller in Brooklyn, NY. She is the host of the live storytelling show Taboo Tales. You can find her work on Longreads, RISK!, and bathroom stalls around the world. More from this author →