FUNNY WOMEN: The Ideal Female Boss

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What are the characteristics of the ideal female boss? From managing a corporate team to executing her duties as Vice President in the White House, achievable expectations are the same:

The ideal female boss stands at the front of a conference room and speaks in a loud whisper—boomingly unaggressive yet powerfully dainty. She is firm without ever letting her smile droop. She knows how to yell, but wouldn’t yell if her life depended on it.

When her team’s work isn’t up to her standards, she uses compliments to get better results. “The PowerPoint slides wouldn’t be the same without you, John… Matt… Chris… Ethan… John. Really.” She understands that it takes five men four months to put together a three-minute presentation. Excellence cannot be rushed.

She is amazing at golf but not better than the guys. She’s free anytime, even in the middle of an important call, to give advice on what to get a wife for her birthday. (The answer is candles; all women love candles.)

She always wears a dress but doesn’t own a single item of pink clothing. She wears sneakers all the time, but her coworkers have only ever seen her in business heels. If she’s having a “bad hair day,” she applies extra makeup so no one forgets she’s attractive—but not too much makeup because this boss is pretty without trying.

She never menstruates.

She eats salad every day for lunch. But when the team goes out, she’s first to order a cheeseburger with bacon—please, she grew up with four brothers. She goes drink for drink with the guys but never gets tipsy because her liver has enhanced processing capabilities.

She is over-prepared for every meeting, but no one can tell because of her nonchalant tone. She commands the room by doing more listening than talking. When men speak over her, she doesn’t speak over them in return—she understands it’s her fault for not making her point more entertaining, so she adapts and next time uses the magical combination of mime, puppetry, and breakdancing to get everyone on board.

As an employee, she made it to the top without ever asking for a promotion. Her success is luck, even though she works harder than everyone. As a boss, she doesn’t give promotions—unless someone asks nicely for one, in which case, he’s earned it.

This boss loves her two children as much as she loves work. She leaves work to spend time with her kids, and leaves her kids to spend time with her work. And she still finds the time to get two hours of sleep every night. None of it would be possible without her loving husband, who does nothing.

When there are upcoming deadlines, she reminds colleagues weeks ahead of time. If they forget, she doesn’t get mad; she does the work herself. Because, at the end of the day, she knows the work best and she is the work and also she likes to kiss the work.

The perfect lady boss makes millions for the company but doesn’t need money to be happy. She is a machine but in a non-mechanical way. She types with her toes so she never has to let go of her coworkers’ hands. Nor does she even know how to type with her hands because it’s a complete waste of time.

The ideal female boss does everything she can to not be a bitch but she accepts the inevitable title gracefully. Because that’s just the kind of bitch she is.

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Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.

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Carolina Brettler is a New York City-based writer. She studied Economics at Harvard University and started her career in finance. She has written and directed numerous short films throughout the United States. More from this author →