If you’re a white man who suffers from yellow fever and an empty China doll collection, you’re not alone. Follow these steps to ensnare that elusive, exotic East Asian woman of your choice.
1. Find an East Asian woman. As a gentleman, you must first decide who will become the swooning target of your affections. It’s best if this East Asian woman is walking alone on a sidewalk, texting or talking on her phone; she’ll be able to give you her full attention. If it’s nighttime, even better. She’ll love it when you ask her out for a drink because she is undoubtedly thirsty for a nightcap.
2. Greet her properly. After approaching her, start a conversation by trying to guess her ethnicity. China, Japan, Korea, and Vietnam make up the entirety of Asia, don’t they? Assume yes. There’s a one in four chance that she comes from one of those countries. If she’s sassy and unwieldy and claims she’d rather be alone, show off how deep your voice is by yelling a slur at her. Why do those words exist if you can’t use them?
3. Don’t back down. Ignore her if she insists, “I was born in America.” That’s a clear sign she’s responding to your flirtation. She’s just not as subtle or as skilled as you are and is trying to prolong the conversation. Every Asian woman knows that there’s a proper answer to “But where are you really from?”
4. Figure out her age. It’s flattering if you wax eloquent about how Asian women are attractive because they always look so young for their age. Point out how youthful her face/skin is. This tactic works particularly well if you sport graying hair, are impotent, and are old enough to be her father or grandfather. To demonstrate your cultural sensitivity, ask this woman you don’t know if her youthful appearance is from growing up eating cats and dogs. She may clench her fist to kung-fu you away from her, but that fist clench is her way of signaling that she’ll renounce bat soup for you, her literal white knight.
5. Assert your dominance. She’s used to being fetishized and submissive, so she needs you to take control. Boast about your many Asian conquests. Your experience will make her forget about US imperialism. Once you tell her about how you’ve had much more success with Asian girls than with white ones, she’ll immediately begin to ovulate over your masculinity. See that flush in her cheeks turning her the color of a bottle cap of Kikkoman soy sauce? That’s arousal.
6. Select a random Asian language and start speaking it. “Ching chong” usually works fine, but if you truly want to flex, try “Nĭ hăo” or “konichiwa.” It doesn’t matter if she’s not Chinese or Japanese. All Asian people speak Asian. How else do they communicate if they don’t speak fluent English?
7. Compliment her English. When she says “Leave me alone,” what she’s really saying is “Thank you for your attention, sexy white man.” English is obviously her second language; if she doesn’t have an accent, she likely worked hard to hide it because she wants nothing more than to assimilate. Make sure you speak extra loudly—”NICE. ENGLISH”—so that she understands your compliment, since it’s possible she’s been struggling to follow along. The way she wrinkles her nose makes her look like an adorable sesame seed, doesn’t it?
8. Find a unique way to highlight her race. Maybe she has redefined Eastern essence. Maybe her almond-shaped eyes are mysterious. Maybe she’s a yellow girl. Say that her skin reminds you of honey, ginger, miso soup, or a potsticker, because you’re clearly not racist and she needs to know how beautiful you think she is. If you want her to one day bear your mixed children, compare her to an exotic fruit like a lychee or a durian. She’ll say “Me love you long time” in no time.
9. Seal the deal. Wait, is she reporting this conversation to Stop AAPI Hate? Great! That means she wants a record of your first date as a keepsake. Now you can ask her to cure you of your sex addiction. There’s a 100% chance she’ll say yes.
Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.
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