Freelancing is about lancing for free. Beyond lancing, every successful freelancer must be able to personalize pitches such that each editor feels this piece was written for them, their audience, and no one else. Observe.
Dear Science for Today editors,
I have a story about how to prevent foot fungus. It includes interviews from eight scientists who are releasing their research this week. As a science enthusiast myself, I’m invigorated by their results and think their data is methodical and revelatory. I’d be happy to share the study and my angle on actionable science if this feels like a fit for you.
I’m an experienced journalist, educated at Columbia, and have published widely on human interest topics such as this.
Hey BEAUTY GAL editors,
As a beautiful gal myself, I deal with foot fungus and believe your pro-pedicure reader divas might feel the same way. My piece is based on a new study on foot fungus and how we, as working ladies who are all about that #momlife, can combat it. Even if your kids are just #ideababies, you deserve to strut sans toxic tootsies. We (#yesallwomen) are fully against anything toxic in the workplace. Women #hustlesohard so the piece will also incorporate #unsponsoredinsoles that are #fairtrade and #womanowned. Be the #girlboss of your feet.
Let me know if this is of interest to you gals!!!!
Dearest Happy Home Mag editors,
The other day, as I settled on my toile outdoor all-weather furniture atop my veranda and took in the view of my hydrangeas, I came upon a study illustrating time-honored freshening and cleansing methods for the body’s lower base. I sipped my homemade lavender lemonade and wondered how I could return to my city pied-à-terre when my own pieds had such a terre-able fungus!
Since donning the graduation chemise at Barnard with a degree in journalism (with a focus on magazine interior design!), I’ve been published across the country, from the Northeast to the Mid-Atlantic.
You can see my clips in Chair Covers for Her, Adirondacks International, Wives of Men Named Grant (column in the Quarterly Club Newsletter), and other such publications.
Let me know when this piece—with its vintage aesthetic and meticulous attention to detail—will be featured on the proverbial mantle of your esteemed publication.
Dear CLOWNTOWN editors,
VIRTUAL LAPEL FLOWER SPRAY!
As a proud part-time amateur clown and writer I gotta say: We’re smelly! Have you ever come out of a rodeo and thought, Dang! These stinky feet aren’t funny! Well, I’d love to contribute a new article full of “clown-spertise” on how to de-FEET foot fungus for good. I’m not someone who bores their readers with numbers: ONLY THE FUN STUFF! Goofy but you gotta love it. Just like us!
Mellie the Bellie Karpsman
Dear DudeBro.com magazine editors,
‘Sup guys. I’ve been clackity clackin‘ the ‘puter keys for pubs like yours because I got mad intel on how to put the kabash on stank fungus on your leg hands. This baby will come in at a HOT 469 (niiiiice) letter bangs.
Hit me if you’re down for this excluze to all your compadbros.
4:20 Blaze It,
Dear Young Rebel FreedomZine editors,
As a long time believer in the mission and anger of YRFZ, I must speak out to say that we can no longer be silent, especially when it comes to the olfactory and fungal particles that emanate from our subdermal skin. We are each complicit in the spread of this sickening unrest, and our work to extricate it from society begins today. I’d like to write a piece entitled: “Foot Fungus: EXPOSED!!!!!” It will examine the systemic pervasiveness of foot fungus through a study that I have come across while doing the work of examining my own biases.
Please reach out if you are interested in joining me in this critical fight. Silence is complicity.
Dear Wiccan Foodstrologer Weekly editor,
First: Hail Lilith.
Second: Sagittarius rising is a time for green vegetables! When I’m out planting under the blood moon, all I can think is: These robes are so heavy and hot that I feel the temperature change in my boots. While I don’t have an incantation to send away this sensory suffering, I do have a study that will hex foot fungus and help your readers plant their astrological gardens in peace.
As I’m sure you can sense, my experience on this and other astral planes makes me the ideal conjurer of this piece. I trust your intuition precludes any evidence (such as clips) I could give. So, I’ll stop here.
I can be reached via owl if you are so moved to include this in your weekly readings.
I’m writing to withdraw my pitch as I have signed over all rights to the foot fungus story to Joaquin Phoenix’s production company, IAmTheJokerForReal Inc., and it’s being developed into a twenty-four-part miniseries starring Chloë Sevigny, Florence Pugh, and Josh Gad.
I’m looking forward to pitching coverage of the series, which I think would be a perfect fit for your publication. I’ll be in touch during awards season.
CAA on behalf of Mel Karpsman
Rumpus original art by Natalie Peeples.
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