This piece was first published on September 10, 2013.
“The ruling will force the federal government to recognize same-sex relationships as ‘marriages’ in the few outlier states that have bought into the lie and rejected thousands of years of history and common sense. And it will create chaos as same-sex couples move to other states that have held true, and demand the same recognition from and in those states.” – Brian Brown, President of the National Organization for Marriage, in response to The Supreme Court’s decision to invalidate Section 3 of The Defense of Marriage Act
Denise and Laura
I, Denise, take you, Laura, to be my wedded wife. With the deepest joy I come into my new life with you, a life of knocking on church doors and sticking our tongues down each other’s throats as soon as a congregate member answers. As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life, and in confidence submit myself to methodically carrying out our plan to break into straight homes, confiscate all bibles and burn them in a lesbian bonfire while chanting penis-shrinking incantations and inviting the wrath of the Christian God.
With you by my side, I promise to perform homosexual witch spells upon all I meet, not stopping until we destroy churches, khakis, Bed, Bath & Beyond, and all other things that straight couples hold dear. I cannot wait to stand with you, hand-in-hand, and watch the heterosexual race perish in the rainbow glow of nuclear destruction, via our love. Upon our union, it’s only a matter of time until our two wombs join to form a super-powerful uniwomb, not seen since ancient Mayan times, that will communicate through subterranean sound waves made by the cramping pains of our synced monthly bloodletting, encouraging women everywhere to turn to each other and leave their husbands.
When we leave here today, nothing will make me happier than taking your hand in mine, walking down the aisle, and declaring war on straight couples who are interested in baby-making. Surely, you, too, cannot rest until we use heathen sperm to conceive twin babies who, upon being birthed, will immediately and inexplicably undermine the births of other babies.
Today marks the day I will forever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you in destroying the institution of marriage – or whatever is left of that institution once all those heterosexual couples’ protracted divorce battles are over.
I love you, Laura, and I can’t wait to reign chaos on the world with you today and always.
Matt and Dan
I love you, Dan, and I promise to live first unto you: loving you, pleasing you, and ever seeking to care for you and our cabal of sex slaves.
O unholy love, how foolish heterosexuals must feel now that they have given us permission to legally sign over rights to one another and visit each other in the hospital. Their precious routines will be forever disturbed as we jointly file our taxes, sit on our couches watching TV, and treat each other with mutual respect and eternal admiration. Little do they know how putting you on my health insurance plan and legally adopting our future children will gradually begin to wreak havoc on the world.
I love you, Dan, and I know that you love me. Because of this, we must restructure the entire school curriculum in our town by insisting on Glee re-enactments, blow job tutorials, cutting-edge fashion competitions, and stereotyping.
Through this marriage, we will gain control of the TV and radio stations too. Real Housewives marathons and showtunes only, while our lesbian sisters push a schedule of Xena: Princess Warrior, Facts of Life, and the last four seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Today we begin our journey together, putting an end to the existence of heterosexual harmony by barging down their front doors, clearing their Sunday dinner table, and going at it. Thank you in advance to those of you who have offered to lend us your cameras, so that we may record the visitations, which will include ritual animal sacrifices, and then submit them to amateur porn competitions, where we will make sure to tag any heterosexual male that happened to be home at the time as a participant in our universal orgy.
Finally, let us rejoice in the knowledge that we have opened the door for our unnatural brethren, like Twinkies and SPAM and cloned sheep, to now be married to other humans too, just as we have always, always wanted.
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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly.
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