FUNNY WOMEN: The Future Is Female and Customizable

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Announcing the She-bot 3000, a female companion who’s the perfect combination of girlfriend, mother, and therapist. For a low daily rate (and with no minimum commitment or background check required), the She-bot can be your bot, and yours only.

Every She-bot 3000 comes equipped with recipe book, maternal scent, double-jointed hip flexors, temperature and volume control, and no discernible personality–everything you love from the 1000 and 2000 models–along with new qualities:

  • Custom Compliments AI—She-bot’s powerful AI will generate the most potent compliments and validating statements. She is able to detect subtle changes in your appearance and habits, and can approve of them accordingly. For example, she’ll reassure you that you can, in fact, pull off long hair and that you’ve been doing a lot of Peloton and it really shows.
  • Women’s IntuitionTM Features—She-bot can sense when you need space and will make herself busy “doing her own thing” (tidy up a nearby room, stand in the hallway, or fold herself up by a window to solar charge). When the time is right, she will return to stroke your hair if she senses you could use some company or have gotten a little too high and paranoid that your boss thinks you’re “girly” for ordering a margarita at happy hour.
  • Interminable Patience—stress-tested in our labs, the She-bot passes every test of patience and continued interest over sustained periods of time, including trials in topics such as, “the stilted flavors of the current IPA scene,” “the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s deviations from comic-book canon,” and the various discography, tours, and iterations of the Grateful Dead.
  • Aesthetic Updates—the 3000 model features skin texture indistinguishable from real women’s skin (we saw a 99% success rate in double-blind testing of men ages 18-89), along with plump lips, ethnically-ambiguous eye shapes, and hairlessness developed in consultation with swimwear influencers popular on secret Instagram accounts. And you can text us pictures of any man’s girlfriend as inspiration for your personalized She-bot. Plus, the 3000 retains our patented smudge-resistant, no-makeup makeup-look from earlier models.
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    Each She-bot also comes equipped with a custom package of capabilities, vibe and phrase library, with options including:

    ~Chill Night In~
    Every She-bot 3000 comes programmed with the Chill Night In package: Let She-bot come over to cook you literally any meal. And whether you want to watch a three-hour western or your birth year’s Super Bowl or a roulette of trick beer pong videos and the Joe Rogan podcast, she’ll be happy just to hang out with you. Every model comes pre-programmed with foundational but non-threatening knowledge of all four major league sports and of over fifty video games, so that you can discuss your interests with a woman for once. Phrase library includes:

  • “I never thought about full HD vs Ultra HD TVs that way.”
  • “I know, it really is sad that Tom Brady didn’t thank the Patriots even once when he retired.”
  • “Do you want me to add the frozen veggies to your Kraft Mac and Cheese this time, like your mom does?”
  • ~Artiste~
    You’re a musician/filmmaker/artist/just a guy who considers creativity to be “life” — and you deserve someone who treasures your artistic commitment. Artiste She-bot has the eye to appreciate your curated aesthetic, and she would love to hear about your craft/your ranking of the best shots in film history/a rundown of little-known New Orleans funk bands. And before the night is over, She-bot will ask if you’d show her your project, as she would be so honored to see it. One look at her face will confirm what you already knew: that it’s really fucking good. Outfit add-ons include: overalls, hair bows, and Kate Hudson’s costumes from Almost Famous. Phrase library includes:

  • “I never thought about Pulp Fiction that way.”
  • “How did you even discover this band–what’s their name, The Shins?”
  • “Thank you for trusting me enough to share your work with me. Your voice is so singular.”
  • ~CEO~
    You need to be single right now to focus on your career. But even the most focused could use some company. CEO She-bot admires your drive and would love to hear what deals you were this close to closing. Possessing the equivalent of a college minor in Business, she’ll provide a sounding board for your pitch deck–but also sense when to take a step back and simply support you. Phrase library includes:

  • “I never thought about the implications of required diversity in the workplace that way.”
  • “Eight figures? Wow!”
  • “Well, you’re at the top of my Forbes 30 Under 30. See? I made you this plaque.”
  • ~Savior Complex~
    You’re a man, but you’re not a man only. You’re a white man who has done the work to become an ally. Savior Complex She-bot will appreciate and praise you for this (as no one else seems to). Programmed with a customized personal history of failed, insensitive men that she probably would have experienced before you, if she weren’t a robot, She-bot is guarded–but with some gentle convincing, she’ll share her insecurities, which can stand to benefit from your insight. And when both of your catharsis is complete, she’ll wipe non-staining saline tear solution from her face, ready to smile again. Phrase library includes:

  • “I never thought about intersectional feminism that way.”
  • “Your sisters and all women at the mercy of reproductive health legislation are so lucky to have you.”
  • “I’m sorry to unload all of this on you. I just feel so safe with you.”
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    ACT NOW. Reserve your She-bot 3000 today, and experience the best of women, for the best of men.

    Note on delivery: All units deliver straight to your door in discreet packaging, with immediate pick-up from your door at any time the She-bot should take a fucking hint and leave.

    Disclaimer #1: We are not liable for any loss of ability to interact with human women.

    Disclaimer #2: Any resemblance in our product description to actual men, alive and well, is theoretically coincidental.

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    Rumpus original art by Natalie Peeples

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    Hanna Hurr is a writer and food stylist based in Brooklyn, NY, where she lives with her pampered dog and pampered cast iron skillet. Her writing has appeared in Slackjaw and Out of Order Magazine. More from this author →