Announcing the She-bot 3000, a female companion who’s the perfect combination of girlfriend, mother, and therapist. For a low daily rate (and with no minimum commitment or background check required), the She-bot can be your bot, and yours only.
Every She-bot 3000 comes equipped with recipe book, maternal scent, double-jointed hip flexors, temperature and volume control, and no discernible personality–everything you love from the 1000 and 2000 models–along with new qualities:
Each She-bot also comes equipped with a custom package of capabilities, vibe and phrase library, with options including:
~Chill Night In~
Every She-bot 3000 comes programmed with the Chill Night In package: Let She-bot come over to cook you literally any meal. And whether you want to watch a three-hour western or your birth year’s Super Bowl or a roulette of trick beer pong videos and the Joe Rogan podcast, she’ll be happy just to hang out with you. Every model comes pre-programmed with foundational but non-threatening knowledge of all four major league sports and of over fifty video games, so that you can discuss your interests with a woman for once. Phrase library includes:
You’re a musician/filmmaker/artist/just a guy who considers creativity to be “life” — and you deserve someone who treasures your artistic commitment. Artiste She-bot has the eye to appreciate your curated aesthetic, and she would love to hear about your craft/your ranking of the best shots in film history/a rundown of little-known New Orleans funk bands. And before the night is over, She-bot will ask if you’d show her your project, as she would be so honored to see it. One look at her face will confirm what you already knew: that it’s really fucking good. Outfit add-ons include: overalls, hair bows, and Kate Hudson’s costumes from Almost Famous. Phrase library includes:
You need to be single right now to focus on your career. But even the most focused could use some company. CEO She-bot admires your drive and would love to hear what deals you were this close to closing. Possessing the equivalent of a college minor in Business, she’ll provide a sounding board for your pitch deck–but also sense when to take a step back and simply support you. Phrase library includes:
You’re a man, but you’re not a man only. You’re a white man who has done the work to become an ally. Savior Complex She-bot will appreciate and praise you for this (as no one else seems to). Programmed with a customized personal history of failed, insensitive men that she probably would have experienced before you, if she weren’t a robot, She-bot is guarded–but with some gentle convincing, she’ll share her insecurities, which can stand to benefit from your insight. And when both of your catharsis is complete, she’ll wipe non-staining saline tear solution from her face, ready to smile again. Phrase library includes:
ACT NOW. Reserve your She-bot 3000 today, and experience the best of women, for the best of men.
Note on delivery: All units deliver straight to your door in discreet packaging, with immediate pick-up from your door at any time the She-bot should take a fucking hint and leave.
Disclaimer #1: We are not liable for any loss of ability to interact with human women.
Disclaimer #2: Any resemblance in our product description to actual men, alive and well, is theoretically coincidental.
Rumpus original art by Natalie Peeples
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