Me
I verb you.

Him
I similarly feel for you in this way, but I’ll never say the word verb in front of you or even behind your back to my friends. I have feelings only sometimes, and only when I feel like it.

Me
My passion for you grows like mold: unavoidable due to exposure and neglect.

Him
Defensive statement!

Me
Can you please never again talk to me? Theoretically, I want to move on.

Him
No.

Me
How about we are friends forever.

Him
Yes, but let me first say something sexual.

Me
I also like saying sexual things.

Him
Pearl necklace.

Me
Although spelled differently, sex and love are the same.

Him
That’s been true for me with others, but not you. With you, I want to be charming, say sweet things, hint at infinity, and then act surprised and offended when you think I mean what I say.

Me
You are emotionally retarded. But I’ll overlook that fact, which is a fact, because we get along so well when I don’t want you to just please come out of the closet. Why aren’t we together?

Him
For reasons I’ll never explain. I’ll lead you on and call you beautiful and not leave you alone when you ask, but I’m still not willing to commit my heart or time to you. So you’ll just hang on and wait for something I allude to but in no way promise or even think about beyond this conversation you’re making me have.

Me
When your heart breaks, you should die. But you don’t. . . . What if I agreed to a threesome?

Him
I’m not listening to you. I am walking away. I’m showering with your best friend. I’m having an unplanned pregnancy with my neighbor. I’m pretty sure I’ve had an incurable STD for years and forgot to mention it when you asked me directly. Listen, the point is, I have to go. I have to study for graduate school.

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Original art by Miranda Harter.

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