★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Google.
I’ve been singing the praises of Google since I discovered them several years ago. Google is a website (located at Google.com) where you can type in literally anything (no matter how illegal), and they’ll show it to you. Let me explain.
Several weeks ago I had a disconcerting rash all over my torso and nether regions. My mailman didn’t know what it was, so I went to Google and typed in a description of the rash. Within seconds I found pictures of people with the exact same affliction: Ringworm! I asked Google for a cure, and it offered a number of solutions from a $2000 healing workshop to something called Megastop SkinClear, which could be mine for only several installments. But at the bottom of the page I found a more appealing cure: sunlight. When I searched for sunlight, Google showed me pictures of Mexico. It looked like a vacation was in order!
Google also helped me rent a car to drive there, find a motel in Mexico City, meet a nice friend because I was lonely, find an ATM because that friend’s friend wanted me to pay for friendship, and find a new place to rent a car because my new friends seemed to need my car more than I did. Google did everything for me, making doctors, bank tellers and travel agents unnecessary. It’s no wonder everyone is losing their jobs – they’ve been made obsolete by Google.
I’ve been wondering how Google can make any money because I’ve never had to pay them a dime. I keep checking my mail to see if they send me a bill, but so far, nothing. My guess is they are a humanitarian effort, probably funded by donations from the community. But if everyone loses their job to Google, who will donate to them? I think soon Google will have destroyed the very people who help support it, driving our entire nation into poverty.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still use Google. It’s an invaluable service, and I’ve probably only got a few years left anyway, so I won’t be here to witness the collapse of our nation. Not unless Google can find me a cure for death.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing protons.