FUNNY WOMEN #37: Taking the Tea Party to the Bedroom

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Why do people think being a Tea Party Patriot means missing out on all the fun when it comes to sex? There is no reason you can’t favor limited government, lobby for a free market, and have a raunchy sex life. You can indulge in many sensory pleasures while remaining fiercely depressed about the state of our presidency. All you have to do is be smart about it. The best part is, the patriotic options are even steamier than what those constitutional revisionists do in bed.

Here are some ideas:

Patriot Games

Yes, there are conservative-friendly sex toys. Take “The Liberator,” for example. It’s a vibrator that you crank by hand. For every four minutes of cranking, you get thirty seconds of buzz that you create completely by yourself. It’s 100% American, 100% self-reliant, and it flies in the face of everything socialism stands for.

Just Say NO to State-Sanctioned Pork…Barrels

You need to protect yourself from unwanted, un-American things in your body. You don’t want anything undocumented getting through, if you know what I mean. So the new Amendment X Brand Condoms are your best choice. Each package is labeled with the official motto of the red-blooded American state where it was sold. Buy your condoms in New Mexico?–“It grows as it goes.” Idaho?–“Let it be perpetual.” Maryland?–“Manly deeds, womanly words.” Massachusetts?–“By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.” And so on. If you don’t see your state motto on your condom, don’t use it! And if you don’t know your state motto, just look down at your condom.

Dress (and Undress) like a Tax Payer

Being a Tea Party Patriot doesn’t mean you have to give up the sexy factor, and small-business sex shops run by Joe Sixpack are definitely getting wise to that notion. Look for fun-phrase items made in the USA to get your conservative mate juicing with excitement–“NObama 2012” and “Puck Felosi” undergarments are proven to do the trick. I have to say, I’m a big fan of the super soft fabric and the breathability—it’s a right-wing dream ticket to pleasure town.

Glide with Pride

DeepWater is a new American lube. It’s glycerin and paraben free. Every tube contains a tiny drop of crude oil from the BP spill. When you use it, you can congratulate yourself on helping to reduce the spill’s impact on the Gulf. The best sex play is spontaneous—unprepared, unorganized, and urgent. Use your imagination, use DeepWater, and move the booms from the Gulf into the bedroom.

Sweet Freedom

Remember, Tea Party Patriots are all about Freedom with a Capital F. At the end of the day, when you put down your rally sign and start getting randy, Rand Paul-style, it’s all about exercising your rights in the greatest nation the universe has ever seen. The sky’s the limit (unless you’re gay or an illegal)–because American family values are the sexiest thing out there.

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Michelle Lipinski took the tea party to the bedroom in her last Funny Women column, and she's still got the rash to prove it. She now lives in San Francisco and is probably the only one who uses the word "bootstrapping" and actually just means wearing hiking boots. More from this author →