FUNNY WOMEN #66: A Day in the Top 40

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Ever wondered what your day would look like if you lived in the Top 40? Wonder no longer. (Bonus points if you can sing parts of it. Our sympathy if you can sing all of it.):

Wake up in the morning feelin’ like P Diddy. 5 a.m., turn the radio up. Where’s the rock n’ roll? I’m gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan, turn the TV up, throw my hand in my pants. Gotta find my bowl, gotta have cereal. Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table while I look outside. Let me thank you for your time and try not to waste any more of mine. Get out of here fast. I’m movin’ on; I’m throwin’ on my Louboutins. Watch me walk it out. Walk it out. Walk it out. Walk this right up out the house.

Here we go again, I kinda want to be more than friends. Ain’t about the cha-ching, cha-ching, ain’t about the ba-bling, ba-bling. And oh, I’m into you and girl no, no one else would do. You know that I want you. And you know that I need you. I want your bad, your bad romance. I said, “Excuse me, you’re a hell of a guy. I mean m- m- my my you’re like pelican fly. I mean, you’re so shy and I’m lovin’ your tie; you’re like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh.”

You know you love me. I know you care. Just shout whenever, and I’ll be there. You are my love, you are my heart, and we will never ever ever be apart. Are we an item? Girl, quit playin’. We’re just friends? What are you sayin’? If I wrote you a symphony just to say how much you mean to me, what would you do? If I told you you were beautiful, would you date me on the regular?

Gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash. Tossed it in the trash, you did. To give me all your love is all I ever asked, ‘cuz what you don’t understand is I’d catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya. I’d jump in front of a train for ya. You know I’d do anything for ya. Yes, I would die for ya, baby, but you won’t do the same. I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa-, paparazzi.

I see you drivin’ round town with the girl I love, and I’m like “Fuck you.” How could you be so heartless? How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo? I bust the windows out your car. And no, it didn’t mend my broken heart. I’ll probably always have these ugly scars. But right now I don’t care about that part. And now you wanna get me back, and you gon’ show me. So you walkin’ round like you don’t know me. You got a new friend; well, I got homies. But in the end it’s still so lonely.

If I never see your face again, I won’t mind. I’m all right; I’m just fine. And you’re a tool, so so what? I’m still a rockstar. I got my rock moves. And I don’t need you. My life is a movie, and you just Tivo.

So we back in the club, with our bodies rockin’ from side to side (side side to side). Thank God the week is done; I feel like a zombie gone back to life (back back to life). Hands up, and suddenly we all got our hands up.

All the single ladies; all the single ladies. All the single ladies, now put your hands up! Up in the club, we just broke up, I’m doin’ my own little thing. I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips, got me tighter than my Dereon jeans. I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got. Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my poker face. P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face.

Tonight’s gonna be a good night. A good, good night.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it. She’s nothing like the girl you’ve ever seen before. Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore. I’m tryna find the words to describe this girl without bein’ disrespectful. Damn, girl, yous a sexy bitch. A sexy bitch.

I know you want me. I made it obvious that I want you too. They call me heartbreaker. I don’t wanna deceive ya. I’m only gonna break break your, break break your heart. You know my motivation given my reputation. Please excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude, but tonight I’m lovin’ you. My room is the G spot, call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock girl. I can make your bed rock. ‘Cuz I might be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it. No, I don’t even know your name. It doesn’t matter; you’re my experimental game, just human nature. I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, cuz I’m bluffin’ with my muffin. I’m not lyin’, I’m just stunnin’ with my love, glue-gunnin’.

I wanna make love in this club.

Please don’t stop the music!

Oh shit, my glass is empty. That sucks!

***

Songs in order of appearance, in case you are curious about how awesome you are:

Ke$ha, “Tik Tok”
P!nk, “Raise Your Glass”
Bruno Mars, “Lazy Song”
Rebecca Black, “Friday”
Sara Bareilles, “King of Anything”
J-Lo, “Louboutins”
Neon Trees, “Animal”
Jessie J, “Price Tag”
Chris Brown, “With You”
Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”
Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris, “Baby”
Justin Timberlake (otherwise known as Elissa Bassist’s boyfriend), “My Love”
Bruno Mars, “Grenade”
Lady Gaga, “Paparazzi”
Cee Lo Green, “Fuck You”
Kanye West, “Heartless”
Jazmine Sullivan, “Bust Your Windows”
Kanye West, “Heartless”
Maroon 5 & Rihanna, “If I Never See Your Face Again”
P!nk, “So What”
Usher ft. Pitbull, “DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again”
Beyoncé, “Single Ladies”
Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”
Black Eyed Peas, “Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night”
Katy Perry, “I Kissed a Girl”
David Guetta ft. Akon, “Sexy Bitch”
Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris, “Tonight”
Taio Cruz, “Break Your Heart”
Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris, “Tonight”
Young Money, “Bedrock”
Rihanna, “S&M”
Katy Perry, “I Kissed a Girl”
Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”
Usher, “Love in This Club”
Rihanna, “Please Don’t Stop the Music”
P!nk, “Raise Your Glass”

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Maggie Capwell once made an R2D2 costume out of a pop-up laundry hamper and many hours with a sharpie. She played ultimate frisbee in the costume, but she doesn't claim to have played particularly well. When she's not dressed as a Star Wars character, she works at a multi-service center for homeless youth in downtown Seattle. She enjoys discussing politics, feminism, anti-racism, and general geekery. She originally hails from Spokane, Washington, and you can find her blogging with variable frequency here. More from this author →