FUNNY WOMEN #71: My Attempts at Sexting

By

My boyfriend recently informed me that I might be approaching this “sexting” trend wrong. I’m not sure if I agree. See what you think:

SMS Message sent 5:18 PM
Just wanted to remind you that we have penciled in “maybe some sex” for later tonight. Get excited.

SMS Message sent 5:30 PM
Thought a sexy picture might get you in the mood.

SMS Message sent 5:32 PM
Sorry, that was actually a funny license plate I saw earlier. But did you see? It said “ROCK ON,” but on a crap Honda. I’ll try again.

SMS Message sent 5:37 PM
No, that was a picture of the back of my knee. Don’t you see my foot down in the corner?

SMS Message sent 5:38 PM
Well, I think the back of my knee is VERY sexy, and I don’t think the dimpled parts look “nipply.”

SMS Message sent 5:52 PM
Just got home, and there is a seriously funky smell going on.

SMS Message sent 5:55 PM
Ew. No. Not funky “in a sexy way,” funky in a “gagged a little” way.

SMS Message sent 6:02 PM
Gagged again.

SMS Message sent 6:10 PM
I guess I see where you got “nipple” from in that picture, now. But I still think it’s pretty obviously a coyly revealed knee-back.

SMS Message sent 6:44 PM
Just started thinking about cheese trays. Does that turn you on? It seemed like it might turn you on.

SMS Message sent 7:42 PM
Finally figured out what the smell is – burning candles to get rid of it, and to set the MOOD, if you know what I’m saying.

SMS Message sent 7:43 PM
In case you were wondering, it WAS a piece of poop stuck on the cat’s butt-hairs. I owe you five bucks.

SMS Message sent 8:01 PM:
Getting settled on the couch with Tivoed episodes of Barefoot Contessa.

SMS Message sent 8:04 PM:
They just showed a cheese tray on the garden party episode…so if you hurry, maybe I can rouse myself. Sexually.

SMS Message sent 8:07 PM:
Now it’s fish tacos. Too late. If you’re still at work, why not pull up your calendar so we can pencil in something else. How do you feel about next Tuesday?

SMS Message sent 8:10 PM:
Week from Thursday it is.

SMS Message sent 8:11 PM:
If you want to rev yourself up between now and then, why not read over these messages? Rrraaoooww.

SMS Message sent: 8:12 PM:
Sorry if that last one reminds you of the cat poop. It reminded me of the cat poop right after I sent it.

 

**

 

Please submit your own funny writing to funnywomen AT therumpus dot net. See first: Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.

Follow the column on Twitter: @funny_women


Jilly Gagnon lives, and occasionally pencils in "maybe sex times" with her boyfriend, in Boston. Her writing has appeared on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Huffington Post, and Vanity Fair online, among others. She currently works as the head writer for Toronto-based satire magazine The Smew, and pays her rent with other, far less glamorous day-jobs. More from this author →