★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing yoga.
Yoga is the ancient and mystical form of exercise where you twist your body into difficult positions in order to find your joy space. I don’t know what a joy space is and when I asked the teacher he told me to stop talking and focus on my breathing because I was disturbing the class.
So after class I asked him what a joy space was because I didn’t feel that I had been successful in finding mine. He just laughed and shook his head. I didn’t get what was so funny so I asked again and he told me I should question less and follow the path in front of me. I explained I was a journalist reviewing the world and I had come to the yoga class to ask questions. He said there were no questions, only answers. I told him that was great news because answers were exactly what I wanted. That’s when his tone noticeably changed and he told me to get out because his next class was starting.
When I started to leave I accidentally fell into him because the yoga had made me dizzy. He laughed a sort of scary, aggressive laugh and then shoved me. I stumbled backward into a woman who was balancing on her head and she fell over. That’s when the teacher really got angry and started screaming at me not to abuse women.
He came at me with a wild look in his eyes and I was so scared. I screamed, “find your joy space” at him but it was too late. He grabbed me by the legs and started pulling me across the floor telling me not to mock him. I tried clinging to the woman I’d knocked over but she kicked my hand off her ankle.
Thankfully this class was a Groupon so I didn’t have to pay full price for it.
The most important things I learned doing yoga are:
1. Certain positions will make your body fart whether you want it to or not.
2. No one will judge you if you fart, but you will judge others when they do.
3. It’s easy to fall asleep during yoga.
4. It’s hard to wake up during yoga.
5. The joy space evolved in us when we were microcosmic life forms living in the ocean.
6. Yoga will hurt you even after you’re done doing it.
7. Yoga teachers will cry with little provocation.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sweat.