5:00 – 7:00 a.m.: Rise, wash Ben’s clothing, feet, and ass; powder Ben’s wig; chop wood for cooking breakfast; feed and clothe Ben’s illegitimate son from one of his many affairs; milk cows; feed chickens and collect eggs; tend to garden; wash linens; repair feather bed; darn socks.
8:00 – 11:00 a.m.: Open Ben’s dry goods store and handle all manner of accounting, sales, and transactions while he sits on the ass I washed earlier; listen to Ben and his crazy ideas “blah blah blah”; chop wood for cooking midday meal.
12:00 – 1:00 p.m.: Prepare midday meal for Ben; stop Stamp Act rioters from burning down our house; apologize to Ben for not listening to his new lending library idea while fending off Stamp Act rioters; listen to Ben prattle on about how much more obedient and affectionate common-law wives are in London.
2:00 – 5:00 p.m.: Clean kitchen and return unused rations to larder; return all correspondence to Ben’s political allies and rivals; birth baby; oversee construction of larger house to accommodate Ben’s library; plan Ben’s upcoming trip overseas for “the big printing press expo.”
6:00 – 9:00 p.m.: Chop wood for supper; prepare supper for Ben and illegitimate stepson; teach illegitimate stepson how to read and write.
10:00 pm – 12:00 a.m.: Put illegitimate stepson to bed; say nothing when that lush Thomas Jefferson shows up unannounced and takes Ben out gallivanting; work on stitching for embroidery sampler while waiting up for Ben; chop wood to prepare snack for Ben and Tommy J., who’ll come back to our place and start talking about “getting the band back together” and jammin’ too loud on the violin and glass armonica outside.
12:00 – 1:00 a.m.: Prepare bed in barn for Tommy J. and endure speech about how many chicks he’d bagged just by saying he was “THAT Declaration of Independence guy”; go into house, wash and dress for bed, and listen to Ben drunkenly ask if I want to see his “lightning rod.”
1:00 – 2:00 a.m.: Climb ladder and check on kite during thunderstorm; write down “Ben’s observations.”
2:00 – 3:00 a.m.: Try to rest.
3:00 – 4:00 a.m.: Kill large spider in barn so Tommy J. stops shrieking; coax his still-drunk ass out of the rafters.
4:00 – 4:45 a.m.: Sleep fitfully.
5:00 – 7:00 a.m.: Rise, wash Ben’s clothing, feet, and ass; powder Ben’s wig; chop wood for cooking breakfast…
Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: our Funny Women Submission Guidelines.
To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.