Ted Wilson Reviews the World #136


★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing crash test dummies.

According to the internet, there’s a band called Crash Test Dummies, but that’s not what I’m reviewing this week. This week I’m talking about the actual dummies used to test the effects of car accidents on humans.

On the one hand, crash test dummies creep me out. It might be their expressionless semi-faces, or maybe the way they move in slow motion, mimicking the tragedy of car accidents. Whatever it is, I don’t feel comfortable looking at them. One year someone showed up at my door on Halloween dressed as a crash test dummy. I still gave him candy, but I pushed it through the mail slot, and I didn’t give him any of the good candy.

At the same time, crash test dummies seem rather pathetic. Not only are they horrible drivers, but I’m frankly a little disgusted by how they allow themselves to be used for such dark purposes. I went through a phase when I would let women use me. It was a period of my life that I don’t want to be reminded of.

I suppose the selflessness of crash test dummies could be regarded as heroic. I certainly wouldn’t be willing to do that job. I’d have to wear all kinds of protective gear, and I don’t look good in a helmet. It’s admirable that they do the work no one else can, like Johnny 5 in Wall-E. He cleaned up earth while the humans hung out in space. In that way crash test dummies are admirable. They are less admirable when you catch one of them in bed with your girlfriend. That’s why I broke up with Janet.

Crash test dummies also don’t ignite easily. And once you get them going the fumes smell horrible and can make you dizzy.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →