Ted Wilson Reviews the World #140


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Ms. Pac-man.

Ms. Pac-man is the wife of Mr. Pac-man, also known as simply Pac-man, a famous video game character. Actually, if she were his wife, I think her name would be Mrs. Pac-man, so maybe she’s his sister or daughter. Or maybe they just have an open marriage.

Regardless of her exact relationship to Pac-man, her life is just as empty and meaningless as is his. She’s trapped in a maze both literal and figurative, running for her life (one of five), terrorized by ghosts, and finding only brief moments of optimism. If she manages to escape one stage of life, it’s only by gorging herself. A successful level means she’s forced to do it all again in the next stage, only under greater pressure. With all the eating and stress, it’s no wonder she’s so round.

She’s rather androgynous looking, and so she wears a bow on her head to identify herself as female. It would be clever of her to wear a short skirt. Then she would look like one of the ghosts and they might get confused and not try to eat her. Personally, I would prefer to see her in her underwear. That would add a much needed element of sexiness to an otherwise unarousing game.

While many people believe the white dots Ms. Pac-man eats are diet pills, it seems obvious to me they are eggs that she has laid. It’s worrisome to consider the meaning behind an androgynous woman being forced to eat her own eggs to survive. Or maybe I’m wrong, and she is actually Pac-man in disguise, frantically eating the eggs to avoid the responsibility of fatherhood while implicating “Ms. Pac-man.” It would explain the poorly thought out name. Either way, it’s pretty messed up.

I do not consider this game appropriate for children unless those children are already emotionally scarred.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Lambada.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →