Ted Wilson Reviews the World #141


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing eyebrow dandruff.

My favorite type of dandruff is eyebrow dandruff. I know the phrasing of that sentence makes it sound as though I like dandruff. I don’t really, but eyebrow dandruff is my favorite type. If it’s heavy enough, it will fall from your eyebrows, past your eyes and look like it’s snowing. Wherever you look, there’s a beautiful snowstorm and you don’t have to deal with jackets or snow shovels or mittens. A beautiful snow storm can appear at the beach, in your living room, or in front of the face of someone otherwise hard to look at.

The downside is the snowmen end up being really tiny. Grains of sands have to be used for eyes where rocks would typically be, and even baby carrots are far too large to function as noses. Although a thread can make a fitting scarf.

Also, the snowstorm doesn’t last very long. You have to rub your eyebrows a lot to keep the snow coming and doing that in public can make you look crazy. Someone like Andy Rooney, rest his soul, would be able to make a bigger storm, because he had eyebrows the size of small raccoons.

To make the snowstorm last longer, you can collect the dandruff/snow after it falls and place it back into your eyebrows. I’ve tried that but it’s time consuming and too easy to accidentally put the dandruff into your regular hair instead of your eyebrows. Separating eyebrow dandruff from regular dandruff is almost impossible and before you know it it’s 5 AM and you forgot to go to bed just so you could recreate a snowstorm made of dandruff and now you’re really starting to rethink a lot of things about your life.

Worst of all, eyebrow dandruff tastes nothing like snow, and it doesn’t melt, so you have to either walk around with your tongue sticking out, or swallow dead skin (gross).

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing cabbage.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →