Ted Wilson Reviews the World #142


★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the puddle I stepped in.

The other week there was this puddle located at the corner of Harold St. and Hollander St. and I stepped right into it. My shoe was soaked! I didn’t step into it out of anger. I wasn’t mad at it or anything. Not until after I stepped in it that is.

After I stepped in it I was fuming. It was the third puddle I’d stepped in in as many days. I was so angry I went home and got my wet-vac to try and obliterate the puddle. Disappointingly, no one in the neighborhood would let me run an extension cord into their home, not even when I showed them how my shoe was still kind of wet. I was forced to try to hook the wet-vac up to my car battery. Don’t ever try that.

When I got out of the emergency room I went back to see if the puddle was still there. Not only was it there, it was bigger. I think. I didn’t actually measure it. I was as determined as ever to remove it. I bought a soda down the street at a corner store, gave it to a homeless man and patiently waited for him to finish it. Then I took the bottle back and began using it to scoop up parts of the puddle and tossing them into the grass.

All this hard work made me so thirsty. I didn’t want to do it, but I drank some of the puddle. It was a surprisingly delicious puddle. It didn’t taste at all like water. The flavor is hard to place. It seemed silly to feed water to some grass that couldn’t taste it, so I took the rest of the puddle home with me.

I’ve had a little every day, for dinner and breakfast. It’s going quickly and I don’t want to ever run out. Because I’m not a scientist, I don’t have a solid grasp on how cloning works, but I’d like to start one of those Kickstarter websites to raise enough money to clone this puddle. Not only would it mean I would never run out, but this could also help solve the the world’s water crisis, so I think a lot of people would get behind this.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Caligula.

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