Ted Wilson Reviews the World #146


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the salad I saw a kid eating.

First of all, what kind of kid eats a salad? Anyway, this isn’t a review of that kid, it’s a review of the salad he was eating.

This salad was way too big for this kid to finish. Even an adult would have trouble finishing it. When the salad got made, why wasn’t the chef thinking, “There’s no way anyone could eat this. Especially not a kid. I sure hope a kid didn’t order this.” It was pretty ridiculous but the kid didn’t seem fazed.

Even though he kept shoveling away, the salad didn’t seem to be getting much smaller. I wondered if it wasn’t a magic salad, like the kind you might see in a movie. I don’t think it was though.

When the little kid got up to go to the bathroom, I figured I should try to eat some of his salad so I could know more about it for my review. The kid’s mom was still sitting there and I knew she probably wouldn’t give me any if I asked, so I ran by as fast as I could, stuck my hand into the bowl and grabbed whatever I could. I threw a quarter on the table because I’m no thief.

Since I was eating it as I ran, I wasn’t able to look at the contents very closely. There was a lot of lettuce, definitely a tomato, and I think maybe some cheese. Possibly some carrots. The taste was fine but not particularly new. It seemed like the kind of salad I could make at home. I don’t know why this lady had to take her kid out for a salad. Maybe he husband was drunk again and she just wanted to get away.

It turns out the salad must not have even been that good because when I came back a few minutes later the kid and his mom had left and the salad was still sitting there, uneaten. I know they weren’t scared off by my germs because just before I stuck my hand in the salad, I was thoughtful enough to yell, “I just washed my hands.”

Then a woman cleaning tables came by and put the salad into the garbage, at which point the salad became something completely new.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Scrappy Doo.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →