Ted Wilson Reviews the World #147


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the iPhone.

The most popular phone currently is one called the iPhone and it was invented by the late Steve Jobs. It’s more popular than a princess phone or even a payphone. When I was young there weren’t so many phones with so many names. Pretty much there was just a phone.

I don’t have an iPhone but I saw one in a store. It’s actually smaller than my billfold! There are no buttons on it so it’s unclear how to dial any numbers and make calls. Buttons might cost extra. That seems like a pretty smart business model to me. Tempting consumers with a miniature phone but then charging extra for things they need to make it work.

Or maybe the iPhone is a call-only phone. I’ve seen phones like that before. The lady who lives in her car at the supermarket has one of those. It’s definitely not an iPhone though. It’s small but opens up like a Star Trek communicator, and then there’s an antenna that she pulls out.

However it works, everyone seems to like it. I like it and I’ve never even used one. What I like about it most is the name. Even though everyone else has one, putting the letter “i” at the beginning make me feel like it’s mine. You can also rearrange the letters to spell “Hi, Peon!” That’s how I wish I could answer the phone sometimes. Not to be mean but because I wish there were someone beneath me. Some days I just feel like I’m the one at the bottom.

The woman at the store wouldn’t let me borrow an iPhone even though I told her I am a professional reviewer. She said that Apple didn’t need any more reviews. I explained that I have over 400 friends on Twitter and that could mean possibly hundreds of sales of the iPhone. I even offered to give her a cut but she still wouldn’t let me borrow one. She had even attached a cable to the phone to prevent me from taking it. I felt hurt that I wasn’t trusted but I still sort of want an iPhone. My birthday is coming up, by the way. Just in case anyone wants to get me something.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing agriculture.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →